Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Instructions:  Write a word problem where the answer is "y=4x+2"

Timmy, a teen who works for a company, makes 4 dollars an hour.  If he stays on task, he gets a 2 dollar bonus.  Write the equation for this problem to calculate how much money he makes.

Middle Eastern student: Hey, what does "nole" mean in Spanish?
Hispanic student: Nole?  I think that's an English word.
Middle Eastern student: Hey Mrs. S, what does "nole" mean?
Me: What?  Use it in a sentence.
Middle Eastern Student: You know, N-O-E-L.
Me: Oh!  No-ELL!
Students together: Huh?!

Me: So the equation is y = 5x + 150, and the total cost to clean the house is $175.  Questions, comments, concerns?
Student: You know those robot vacuums?
Me: This sounds like a story for after class.
Student: We had one--
Me: Please stop.
Student: --and my dog pooped--
Me: Oh dear...
Student: and the robot vacuum dragged it all over my whole house.  Do you think they'd clean my house for $175 then?

Student: Do you know what I want for when I turn 21?
Me: What?
Student: A heineken.
Me: Why a heineken?
Student: Because I'll be 21, duh!

Student #1 is in my remediation class, but has someone else for regular algebra.  He was struggling in his science class, so they switched his whole schedule around to move him to team-taught science, and it forced him to switch to a different algebra teacher.  Same (regular) algebra, just a different period with a different teacher.

Student #1: Mrs. S, can you get my schedule switched back?  I don't like my new math teacher.
Student #2: What?!  You used to be in honors?
Student #1: Yeah, I used to be brilliant, isn't that right Mrs. S?
Student #2: Oh, but then Mrs. S called your mom and told her you were actually stupid, huh?
Student #1: Yeah, basically.  So then I went to [student #2]'s house and we went down to Hollister and got jobs as models.
Me: Oh really?
Student #2: Yeah, and we make 2 cents per hour.
Me: Ahh, you're really top quality models then.
Student #2: And after 20 hours, I can finally go to McDonalds and get something off the dollar menu.
Me: Not quite.
Student #1: But then they said, if you get sexier, we will give you a raise.  So I started doing this (flexing his arms) and they said, "WHOA, you are worth 50 cents per hour!"
Student #2: And also, they said, "Stop that, you are too sexy to work here now."
Me: Please finish your assignment...

Student: These taste like cookies from my country.
Me: Oh yeah?  What country is that?
Student: America.

Student #1: When I was little, my sister and I were fishing and she threw the line and the hook got caught on my nose.
Mr. B (team teacher): I don't believe you.  What happened to your nose?
Student #1: I...I don't know.
Mr. B: Well did it get ripped off?  Is that a fake nose?
Student #1: No...
Mr. B: Did you have to go to the hospital?
Student #1: I...I think so?
Mr. B: Did your sister get in trouble?
Student #1: I DON'T KNOW, I WAS LITTLE, OKAY?!
Student #2: Whoa, you're like a detective!  Do you have kids, Mr. B?
Mr. B: I don't answer questions about my personal life.
Student: That means no.
Mr. B: ....
Student #2: Well, when you have kids, you can tell them that you were a super cowboy detective teacher.  And also that you taught a crazy girl.  That would be me.

The "bad" kids get "Friday"...which is a 3 hour detention after school on Fridays, where you aren't allowed to talk to anyone.  You face a wall and do work for 3 hours, under the supervision of my team teacher.  This whole conversation took place while he was standing approximately 6 feet away.
 
Student: Mrs. S, who's in charge of Friday?
Me: Mr. B.
Student: Really?!?!  'cause uh, I might have it next week.
Me: You might?
Student: Yeah, well...I don't know if I'm on the list or not.
Me: What did you do?
Student: I don't want to tell you.
Me: What did you do?
Student: My guilt is already punishment enough, Mrs. S.
Me: What did you do?
Student: I said a bad word in the hallway.
Me: To a teacher, or a student?
Student: A teacher.  But the teacher doesn't know my name.
Me: What teacher?
Student: I don't know.
Me: Was it a man or a woman?
Student: I think it was a man.  But it might have been a woman.
Me: On this side of the building, or the other?
Student: Over by [other teacher's] room.
Me: Ahh...during passing period?
Student: Coming back from lunch.
Me: Got that, Mr. B?
Mr. B: Welcome to Friday, [student]!

Student: Day-um!  Mrs. S is cookin' in this class!
Me: What?  What is cooking?
Student: Every day you're BURNING someone with your witty comments.

Student #1: Mrs. S, is this a good idea?  Hypothetically, if a guy was to ask you out and take you to the dollar store and then tell you that you could pick out one item, but tax is on you?
Me: Depends what your goal is.  If the goal is a second date, no, that's a bad idea.
Student #2: What if the goal is more?
Me: What do you mean?
Student #2: You know, like going further than a 2nd date?
Me: Okay, end of conversation.
Student #1: NO, like a 3rd date!
Me: Finish you graphing, boys.
Student #2: I'm going to take her somewhere special.  McDonalds!
Me: Who's your date with?
Student #2: Nah, there's no date.  I can't be tied down to one woman right now.

Student: (something about power rangers)
Me: Did you know power rangers are like, 20 years old?  I used to watch them when I was 7.
Student: When was that? The 1930's?

We've been watching Slope Dude again this year.  At the end, the skiier falls off the cliff and shouts "the worst curse word in all of algebra--UNDEFINED!"

Me: And when we get to the vertical part, what did slope dude say?
Student: The worst curse word ever--MITT ROMNEY!

Nerdy little 4' tall student: I'm don't really want to get all tatted up, I mean, nothing ridiculous or anything.  I'm just going to get a sleeve on both arms.
Me: I hope your future job is either really laid back with their dress code, or you don't mind wearing long sleeves every day.
Student: Oh yeah, no problem.  NFL.
Me: Ahhh...and what's your back up plan if that doesn't pan out?
Student: NBA.

The last problem on their 3rd unit test:

The theme for the day is, "Don't be dead, wear red"

Me: I'm impressed by all you non-dead wearers of red clothing.  Some of you slacked a little though.
Student: WHAT?  It was red day?!  *grabs a red sharpie and scribbles all over the front of his shirt*

Tomorrow is "Drugs cause double trouble" (twin day)

(male) Student: Mrs. S, what are we wearing for twin day?
Me: Sorry, I'm going to be Miss G's twin.
(male) Student: Aww, Mrs. S, you're breakin' my heart!  I had a red dress ready and everything!  Heck, I could have just worn that dress you're wearing right now!

Later, another boy:
(male) Student: Tomorrow is twin day?  What does that mean?
Me: It means you wear clothes that match someone else.
(male) Student: SERIOUSLY!?  YES! [another male student], GET YOUR BIKINI READY!

Thursday is "Drugs cause drama, wear your pajamas"
Student: Can I wear boxers on Thursday?
Me: Huh?
Student: For pajama day.
Me: No, you cannot wear underwear.
Student: But that's what I wear to sleep in!
Me: Sorry.
Student: I'll just wear them OVER my pants.  They can't get mad at me then.

Me: Okay, is your team going to be pink, purple, blue, or green?
Male Student: We're going to be....THIS COLOR! *lifts up shirt to show hot pink boxers*
Me: So am I to feel special, or do you show your underwear to all your teachers?  Put your shirt back down.  And what is your team name?
Male Student: Big Pimpin'.
Me: No.
Male Student: Pimps and Ho's?
Me: No.
Male Student: Call of Cuties?
Me: Fine.

I collected his paper at the end of class.  It said "Call of Big Pimpin' Hos".

Referral in process.

Boy #1: When do you want to get married?
Boy #2: I dunno, like, 42 or something.
Boy #1: WHAT?  No girl is going to want you at 42!  Hurry up and get a girlfriend, man!
Boy #3: Oh yeah, well I'm never getting married.
Boy #1: Why not?
Boy #3: I want all the ladies, all the time.  None of this "getting married" stuff, then you can't do anything fun anymore!
Boy #2: Yeah, but that's not realistic.  I mean, girls start nagging you.  You won't be able to keep them away forever.  No offense, Mrs. S--I know you're a girl, but girls are awfully annoying sometimes.

We've been doing Estimation 180 for the past few weeks in my intervention class.  The kids love it.  They are climbing over each other to get to be the one who types in the guesses.  Today, my 1st period clown won the race to the front and started typing in his guesses.

Name: Doctor Santiago
Estimate: 4000 pieces of paper
Confidence: 5
Context clues: I'm a doctor

Followed by round 2:
Name: Doctor Proffeser [sic]

Student #2: OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR PhD IN SPELLING, DOCTOR!

(My heart melted.  One child knew how to spell <3)

Me: And don't forget, if you want to come to the [honors high school] prep class this afternoon, I'll be in the cafeteria.
Student: I have a question!
Me: Yes?
Student: If someone got suspended, can they still do after school?
Me: Not relevant.
Student: VERY RELEVANT!
Me: Unless you got suspended, it's not relevant.
Student: EXACTLY, VERY RELEVANT.

Every Monday students have problem sets due.  They are handed out on Monday, due the next Monday.  Anywhere from 1-10 questions of varying difficulty.

Student: You need to help me on #4, Mrs. S!
Me: No I don't, it's due today, you should have asked last week.
Student: But I have a question on this one, so I can't turn it in yet.
Me: That's fine, you can turn it in later for partial credit, it's due right now.
Student: (starting to make a scene in front of the whole class)  But that's not fair!  I couldn't do it because you didn't respond to my email!  How am I supposed to do things if you won't help me!?  This is your fault!
Me: Oh, right.  Sorry, I forgot that when you decide to email me at 8:30 pm on a Sunday the night before something is due, it's my job to magically know you did that and drop everything to respond to you.  Maybe next time you won't wait until the last minute.
Student: That's SO. NOT. FAIR.

My honors students have never struggled with anything mathematical in their lives.  They are not handling a challenge very well.  Hopefully it gets easier as the year goes on.

Student: This is an outrage!  I am going to petition the government!
Me: For what?
Student: NO MORE WORD PROBLEMS!

"For some reason, "Heisenberg" always reminds me of "Budweiser"."

Student 1: Hey [student 2], do you wear contacts?
Student 2: What?  No!  Contacts are for cell phones!

Way to skirt by, accomplishing exactly what the question asks, and nothing more.  GAH!

"Why do we get Columbus Day off?  No one cares about Columbus anymore.  They should make us go to school on Columbus Day, and give us the day after Halloween off, instead.  That would be a way better plan.  You know, to sleep off that sugar high."

It was raining so hard today that it took me twice as long to drive to work.  Buckets and buckets at 7 am.

Me: So today the plan is to--
Student #1 walking in: Sorry I'm late.
Me: --go over literal equations again and then play some review basketball.
Student #2: WE'RE GOING OUTSIDE?
Me, heavily sarcastically: Yeah, it's pouring rain outside, it looks like an excellent day to go outside.
Student #1: OHMYGOD, MRS. S, don't do that to me!  Do you see my hair?  The rain is the reason I was late in the first place, I couldn't get it to work in this weather, and now you're making us go outside!?  This isn't fair!

Me: Whoa, you've got your arms full there!
Student: Yeah, I have *counts* 1, 2, 3 binders!  Oh shoot, I left my social studies binder!
Me: Well, I'm sure she'll still have it after school.  You can go get it then.
Student: No, it's in my locker!  Can I go get it?
Me: Sorry, there's not time.  You'll just have to go without it today.
Student:  Guess I'll just have to tell [co-teacher] I have a headache and have to go to the nurse.  *winks*

Me: Okay, this is the million dollar question...what is the opposite of multiplying by five ninths?
(Students raise hands)  I see...5...6...7 millionaires.  Wow, that whole table is going to be filthy rich.
Student: Yeah, well, they're just going to end up paying it all in taxes!

Student: --and someone stole Ms. Z's wallet!
Me: Wait, what?  A student stole a teacher's wallet?
Student: Yeah, and it had $5000 in it!
Student #2: Nuh-uh, it was $5,000,000!
Me: That's sad...
Student: Yeah, seriously.  What's wrong with kids these days?

"I hate this class.  AHA, JUST KIDDING.  This is the best class ever.  Do we get to go graffiti the school again today?"

Students were playing skill building games on the computer...filling in holes like fractions, integer operations, etc.  Things were getting loud.

Me: HEY!  If you guys can't stay on task, we can't do things like this anymore.
Student: But we were on task!
Me: I'm sorry, arguing with the person next to you over who gets to name their character "Sexy beast" isn't "on task".
Student: That was only at the beginning, COME ON!

Me: Okay guys, tonight is back-to-school night.  Please remind your parents or guardians to attend!
Student: Do we have to come?
Me: No, only your parents.  You're not supposed to come.  If you're there, how can I talk about you?
Student: YOU TALK ABOUT US?!
Me: Sure--I tell your parents the kind of things we do in class, how you're doing, etc.
Student: OMG--HERE! *Pulls out $5* Please please please say nice things about me!

Student is playing with a bouncy ball.
Me: Okay, thanks, that's mine now.  You can come get it at the end of the day.
Student: But what if I promise to play discreetly?
Me: You can play after 3:00.  Until then, it's mine.
Student: Aww man, you know I'm going to forget to come get it!  You just wanted to steal my stuff!

Male student: Mrs. S, [other student]'s mom thinks I'm a girl, do you think I look like a girl?
Me: No.
Other student: It's the skinny jeans.
Male Student: BUT I DON'T HAVE BOOBS!!!!
Me: Moving on...

"Ugh, my knees hurt.  I'm so OLD!"

Student: OHMYGOD, Mrs. S, [student #2] said that 4 times 8 is 28, can I neck him?
Me: Can you what?
Student: Neck him.  You know, because he thought that 4 times 8 is 28.
Me: What do you mean, "neck him"?
Student: This: *karate chops the neck of the boy next to him*
Me: Ohhh...you guys realize "necking" is a word for making out, right?
Students eyes widen...
Student #2: OHMYGOD, can I please go wash my mouth out at the water fountain?!?!

Student: Can you sign this?
Me: What is it?
Student: I have a family thing so I'm going to be gone.
Me: For how long?
Student: 15 days.
Me: THREE WEEKS?!
Student: Yeah, am I going to miss anything while I'm gone?
Me: No, we aren't doing anything for the next three---oh, that was a serious question.
Student: So can you give me the papers I'm going to miss?
Me: When is your last day before you leave?
Student: Today.
Me: ....

Me: There is a flash of light, and a woman dies.  What happened?
Student 1: Did God speak to her?
Me: No.
Student 2: OMG, SHE WAS RAPTURED!!!
Me: No.
Student 3: Ohhhh, she was raped.
Me: WHAT THE HECK!?

"When I grow up, I want to be a potato."

When kids finish their work early, I have a whole shelf full of games for them to play.  Some are math related, others are a bit of a stretch (but teach focus or perseverance or other crucial skills...at least I justify it that way.)  One such stretch game is "Spot it".  The kids have to find what matches on the two cards.

One of the symbols is a yin yang.  A group of kids had this out Friday and were playing, and I hear "POKEBALL!" repeatedly being shouted.

Guess this game is going to help them with their vocabulary too.

Student: YES, we got new seats!
Me: Yep, find your name.
Student: AWW MAN, I'm in the front?
Me: Yes, right next to me.
Student: But I have to sit in the front for all my classes.
Me: Do you think that might be for a reason?
Student: Uhhhh...I guess so.  Can I change with [other student] so I can sit next to [best friend] instead?
Me: Yeah, no.

Student: Hi, I'm new.
Me: Oh, okay.  Whose class did you transfer from?
Student: No one's.
Me: So you're new to the school?
Student: Oh no, I was here last year.  I just took last week off.
Me: ...

Instructions: Please make a name card with the name or nickname you would like to be called this year.

We were trying to log into the computers this morning, and several students were having issues changing their passwords.  I finally asked one kid what he was trying to make it:  mathisreallycool

Aww....only in honors :)

Trying to solve a riddle involving a tight rope walker...

Me: This person had a profession that required her to walk in a very straight line.
Student 1: SHE WAS ALBINO!
Student 2: SHE WAS PROFESSIONAL OCD!
Student 3: SHE WAS A 'LADY OF THE NIGHT'!

????

Student: OMG, did you see that Ms. [other teacher] got proposed to with a diamond?
Me: My ring is a diamond.  That's pretty standard for engagement rings.
Student #2: But aren't diamonds super expensive?
Me: Yeah, they aren't cheap.
Student #2: And doesn't love fade like right after you get married anyway?  So what's the point?

"You have been an awesome bobowsomme teacher.  When I become a millionare I will give you 1 million bonus bucks to cover for your low paying salary."

"I think your a great teacher and that you will be teaching for a long time unless you get in an accident or move to a mental hospital.  Sooooo...yeah"

"Well hello we've had an amazing school year together.  Turns out you are pretty easy going but I guess 5th period changes that.  I hope we can be facebook friends and stuff even though facebook is dead.  Sorry our 5th period left you nothing but horrible memories.  And I like how you wear lots and lots of dresses.  With pretty bows"

"I hate reading and I will never like it but it was fun sitting in your class pretending."

Aww...I'm gonna miss these hooligans.

"I have a box of poptarts with your name on it if you can do some magic and work my grade into at least a B".

Student: OHMYGOD WE HAVE A FINAL TODAY?
Me: Yes.
Student: TODAY!?!?
Me: Yes.
Student: BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US WE HAD TO TAKE A FINAL?
Me:  I told you on the first day of school you had a final.  I told you when I handed out the midterm that it would be averaged with the final.  I told you each week of the last quarter that we were preparing for the [end of year state assessment] and the final.  The date has been on the board for the last 2 weeks.
Student: BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAD TO TAKE IT TOO?!

"I want to say that my parents enjoyed receiving emails from you.  And I will be seeing you next year because as you may know I have BOMBED that [end of year state exam]"

"I hate you <3"

"This is one for that little book of quotes you have in your bedroom and yes I've been to your house remember that Christmas dinner."

"I'll mention you once I become a perfesional [sic] chainsaw juggler."

"I was at church getting confessed, and the priest laughed at me."

Asian girl:  Have you ever noticed how white people just can't tan?
Black girl: Ohmygod, you're so right.  There's just something wrong with them.
Asian girl: It's kind of funny how easy they burn.

Student: Ugh, I hate Ms. (other teacher).  She's so--
Me: Okay, that's enough, I don't want to hear you disrespect my colleagues.
Student #2: You talk to (other teacher)?
Me: I talk to ALL the teachers.
Student: Ugh, you're one of them!  We thought you were on our side, but now it's apparent that you're on their side.
Me: Huh?
Student #2: You know, you're one of the TEACHERS.

Student: Do you have a facebook?
Me: Yeah.
Student: Do you have a twitter?
Me: No.
Student: Mr. _____ has a twitter.  It weirds me out.  I mean, what are old people (he's 30) going to tweet about?
Me: What are YOU going to tweet about?
Student: Oh, I have tons of stuff to tweet about.  But like, I don't get it.  Why would an old person have a twitter.  Like, my aunt has one, and she writes stupid stuff like, "Wow, the people at South Lakes Starbucks are just so nice!"  Blah, BORING.  Get something interesting if you're going to tweet.

Student: I'm going to kill whoever invented algebra.
Me: What?
Student: Who invented algebra, geometry, trigonometry, calculus?  I'm going to kill them.
Me: Well then you're going to kill whole civilizations.
Student: What do you mean?
Me: Those maths were discovered by groups of people a long time ago.
Student: You mean the creators are already dead?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Student: What the heck?  How did they figure out all this math without technology?  I mean, how would you know how to graph a line without your calculator?

One student is pretending to be the other's grandmother, complete with little old lady accent.

"When I was born way back in 1982, uh, I mean, 1928, this would not have been acceptable behavior young man!  Do you hear me?  They'd have slapped you with a yard stick, but then you probably don't even know what a yardstick is, do you?"

We were looking at linear regressions and scatter plot analysis, and the example I made was the lifespan of dogs vs. their weight.  We were having some really good discussions, and then...

Student: What's the longest a dog has ever lived?
Me: I think there are dogs on record at 27 or 28.
Student: Oh my gosh, that's like a whole person's life!
Me: Uhh...I hope you live past that age.
Student:  Well, it's like your age until you have kids.
Me: So your life is over after you have kids?
Student: That's what I hear, anyway.

Student: Mrs. S, I have something really important to tell you!
Me: What?
Student: Last night, I tweeted Katy Perry, and told her that my math teacher went to high school with her.
Me: Oh, geez.
Student: But don't worry, I didn't give her your name.
Student #2: Don't lie, yes you did!
Student: Okay, I did.
Me: I got married.  This wasn't my name in high school.
Student: Oh $#!%, now Katy Perry is going to think I'm crazy!  What was your old fashioned name!?

Student: PARKOUR!  *jumps over a chair and rebounds off the wall*

Student: Happy teacher appreciation week!
Me: Thank you!
Student: In honor of you, I am not going to talk in class today.
Student #2: YEAH RIGHT.  How are you going to pull that off?
Student: I'm going to take a nap.  I won't talk if I'm asleep.

Me: *frustrated*
Student: Do you hate us, Mrs. S?
Me: No, of course not.  I think you're all pretty cool, and I'd hang out with any of you on a Saturday--sometimes it's difficult to teach you guys math though.
Student: Really?  Are you free this Saturday?
Me: That's not what I meant.
Student: We could go to [local strip club]
Me: That's enough.
Student: Okay, Hooters then.
Me: I think the assistant principal would like to see you now.

Student: Man, I'm so happy to be here today.  I don't know why I usually dread coming to school, it's actually pretty fun!
Me: Wow, that's awesome--I'm happy you're in such a good mood today!
Student #2: Did you know, that on the third day of her period, [student 1] dances?
Me: ....
Student #2: What, it's a commercial!

Me: Okay, you are ridiculously negative.  I challenge you to enter my class and say something positive each day.
Student: Challenge...accepted!  What do I get if I'm positive?
Me: I'll smile at you instead of yell at you.
Student: Yeah, that's not going to work.  How about candy?  You give me candy every time I say something positive.
Me: Why do you need candy?
Student: Because I don't have lunch money.
Me: Where's your lunch money?
Student: I don't have any.  I'm Spanish, I'm poor.
Student 2: You're whining about being poor, you just lost your candy.

Student 1: Sometimes, when I see a toddler, I just want to punch them in the head.
Student 2: In the NECK!?
Student 1: No, stupid, in the head.
Student 2: Oh okay, that makes more sense.
Student 1: I just want to be like "WALK NORMAL, IDIOT"
Student 2: What about your niece?
Student 1: ...she's an exception.

Student 1: What? You're 26?!  I really thought you were in your 40's.
Student 2: Whoa man.  You don't say that to a woman.  If you were trying to date her, she'd have slapped you by now and moved on.

Student 1:  "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy!  So here's my number, so call me maybe!"
Student 2:  "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy!  So here's my facebook, 'cause my dumb mom won't let me have a cell phone..."

Write three binomials, each with a degree of 7.

Student: What is a "binomial"?
Me: A polynomial with two terms.
Student: Ohhhhhhhh I thought it was a made up word you put in the problem to trick us, because this is one of those impossible problems you can't solve.
Student #2: You idiot, it's just 3^7, duh.
Student: Wait, what's a "term"?

*sigh* Test tomorrow, not sure they're ready.

2 girls come into my room at lunch...

Student: Can we eat lunch with you, Mrs. S?
Me: Sure...why don't you want to be in the cafeteria?
Student: We just can't handle it right now.
Me: Too loud?
Student: Eh, I don't really like certain people right now.
Me: Well you don't have to sit next to those people, you know.
Student: Well then I'd have no where to sit!
Me: You hate everyone in the entire 8th grade?
Student: I'm not really a people person.
Me: What do you mean?
Student: I don't like people.
Me: *turns to the other girl* Sorry, guess [student] hates you.
Student: Well, like...even my friends, who I love, I hate deep down inside. Because they're people. I'm just not a people person.

Male Student: My butt hurts.
Me: ....
Student: Can I go get an ice pack? Do they make ice packs you can sit on?
Me: Uh...yeah, for women after they give birth.
Student #2: What if you gave birth to a narwhal? That horn would like, mutilate you on the way out.
Me: OKAY, LET'S GET BACK TO FACTORING--
Student #3: It would be like a natural c-section! It'd slice you open on the way out!
Me: POLYNOMIAL EXPRESSIONS. NO MORE BIRTHING TALK.

*later*
Student: Mrs. S--have you ever experienced when you're cutting paper with scissors, and it just slides all of a sudden and you aren't really cutting anymore?
Me: Yeah, that happens with wrapping paper all the time.
Student: THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A NARWHAL!
Me: Please step outside...

A boy and a girl were in a tousle in the back of the room. The boy sticks a piece of trash down the back of her sweatshirt.

Girl: AHHHHHHHHHHH. He stuck something in me!!!!!!!

The whole class immediately burst out laughing, so there was no way to even pretend she didn't say it. The boy walked back to his desk, high fiving all the other boys on his way back. *sigh*

Student: Wait, it costs $20,000 to adopt a kid?!
Me: Yeah, it's pretty expensive if you have to travel to a foreign country.
Student: Why do you have to go there?
Me: Well, you need to meet the child, fill out legal paperwork, etc.
Student: Can't you just mail the baby? You know, in a super padded box or something? Then it would be much cheaper.
Me: Uhhh....that doesn't sound safe.
Student #2: Just mark it "FRAGILE" on the side so it doesn't end up upside down, and send it express!

Student 1: So you're like...30?
Student 2: No, like 25.
Me: I'm 26.
Student 3: WHAT? You told us your age?! I thought that was inappropriate!
Student 1: Whoa, and you're married! That's young!
Me: I've been married almost 4 years.
Student 2: Time for babies!
Me: No.
Student 1: No, Ms. S doesn't want to have a baby. *pause* You could adopt one, Mrs. S!
Student 2: Yeah! Get a little African baby so it looks like me, and name it [student's name].
Student 3: Uh, hullo. She should totally adopt a German baby, duh.
Me: That's a nice thought. It's awfully expensive to adopt a baby though.
Student 1: Really? How much?
Me: Like $20-30,000.
Student 2: WE'LL FUNDRAISE FOR YOU!!!
Student 3: YEAH! We'll have a car wash--
Student 1: And a bake sale!
Student 2: And a twitter--@GetMrsSababy
Student 3: This is SO going to work.

Student: I'm doing my homework, aren't you proud of me?
Me: That's awesome, good for you. Can I see your quiz?
Student: Oh, I'm not doing that. If I do my quiz, I won't have time to do my homework in class.

I have this poster in my room. It has been there all year. The kids finally noticed it today, seemingly for the first time.

Student 1: Your poster is wrong, Mrs. S. You should replace "cool" with "successful". That would be more accurate.
Student 2: Or you could just erase the word "Math". Then it would be really accurate.

"Next year, you should totally give the 8th graders homework over spring break."
"I did give you homework over spring break. You didn't do it."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess that's true".

"You're so pale Ms. S! You could be like, Edward's girlfriend. WAIT. Stand in the sunlight. I want to see if you sparkle!"

"Green is like...a mature yellow and blue"

"See this shirt? It's my mom's shirt. We used to share shirts all the time, but then you know how when you have a baby you get fat? Yeah, well, she had a baby, so...you know...I got her shirts. But only temporarily. She's going to go to the gym soon and take them all back. And it's only a little bit fat. Just so you know."

Student: Can I just click through this whole test since it doesn't count?
Me: Do you hate me? You make me look bad if you do badly.
Student: Hrm...well, you make ME look bad when you call my mom, so it's pay back.

Taking a test today. Two (pretty honest, trust worthy) boys ended up taking it in the hall outside the classroom to lessen the distractions.

Student inside the classroom: Mrs. S--just in case you were wondering, [student 1] and [student 2] are outside facing each other.
Me: Thank you.
Student: It looks like the perfect set up for, you know, CHEATING.
Me: Thank you, but why don't you let me be the teacher and you be the student?
Student: WOW. You know it's 2012 when the teacher trusts the students more than the students trust the students!

30 minutes later, the outside boys are both finished, and both score 15/20.

Inside student: HOW CONVENIENT. CHANGE YOUR MIND MUCH, MRS. S?

Me: Okay, show me your homework.
Student: We didn't do it.
Me: None of you?
Student: Yeah.
Me: This is the slacker table.
Student: True, true. *pause* Hey [other student], get over here. This is the slacker table, I think Mrs. S forgot to change your seat.

"Can you sharpen my pencil for me? Your pencil sharpener's racist; it doesn't like Hispanics."

Student: Ugh, all your magazines suck.
Me: So why don't you bring in something of your own to read?
Student: Because my kind of magazines aren't school appropriate.

"It's your birthday? So we're doing nothing today, right? You don't want to work too hard on your birthday!"
"I woke up soooo early this morning and baked you all these cupcakes, but then I left them at home. Oops."
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS. S! Look, I did my homework, just for you!"
"I got you a pencil!" *5 minutes later* "Why aren't you doing your work?" "I have nothing to write with."

Then my favorite...the kids realized it was my birthday, and were saddened to find they had no gift for me. So they started finding things in the room to give me.

"I got you this eraser, Mrs. S!"
"I got you your computer mouse, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this laptop, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this file cabinet, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this whole classroom, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this kid, Mrs. S!" WAIT, WHAT? Sure enough, one kid was carrying another student towards me, attempting to hand him off as a present. Poor present child.

Me: One day, [student 1], you're probably going to be a dad...
Student 2: Oh geez...can you imagine him as a dad? "Where do babies come from?" "Well, son, I pieced you together out of some stuff I found in trash cans!"
Student 1: You should put that in your book, Mrs. S. You know, the one you're going to write about us when you go crazy and can't teach anymore.

"Mrs. S--since tomorrow's your birthday, is it okay if we bring in food?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"YES!!! I'M TOTALLY BRINGING GIANT BOTTLES OF MOUNTAIN DEW AND SUPER SUGARY THINGS"
"Uhh...."
"What would you do if I brought in just a whole bag full of sugar and gave people spoon fulls to eat?"

Me: Okay, so you guys can see how a radical is the opposite of an exponent, right? The square root sign is like the "undo" for the square.
Student: Wait wait, let me guess. Now you're going to tell us that "square root" is from the Hebrew word for "find the opposite of", right? Just cut to the chase, we don't really need to know the Latin origin."

Student 1: Happy birthday!
Me: It's not my birthday.
Student 2: It's your birthday?!
Me: No, it's not my birthday.
Student 3: OMG, happy birthday!
Me: It's not my birthday. We're going to start the warm up in 3...2...1...
Whole class: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOU!

Slightly nervous to see what happens next week when it actually IS my birthday. I kid you not, all day random kids I didn't even know were coming up to me and wishing me happy birthday. Then they'd laugh and run away. I kind of felt like I was teaching 8 year olds instead of 8th graders. It was cute, in a really strange way.

The warning bell run, and kids were still socializing in the hallway instead of going to class. I found one of my hooligans and walked up behind him and started pushing him towards my room.

"Hey, Mrs. S! Get your hands off me! If my girl sees me like this, she's gonna let me have it!"

Sung to the tune of "Baby come back" by Hall and Oates

Me: [Student], please move over to that desk for the test.
Student: Okay.
Student #2: Nooo! [Student] come back! I was going to cheat off you, but now you're gone, and I'm guaranteed to fail...

*15 minutes into class*

Student: OMG you look so pretty today!
Me: [Student], we're taking a test, you need to be quiet.
Student: You cut your hair, didn't you!?
Me: [Student], please stop talking, it's distracting to everyone else.
Student: Gosh, I was just trying to compliment you. Niceness just isn't appreciated these days!

Student 1: Whoa, this song is so white, Mrs. S.
Student 2: Well duh, look at her. What do you expect?

*Boy is playing with calculator, singing along phonetically to the buttons he pushes*

"SIN, COS, EL-EN, NEGATIVE 1, TAN, TAN, TAN, LOG, SIN, LOG, SIN, LOG, EL-EN! 5, 2, NEGATIVE 1, NEGATIVE 1, NEGATIVE 1, 6, 6, 9, BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY 6-6-6 BUT I DIDN'T, NEGATIVE 1, NEGATIVE 1..."

Girl: Do I have a feverrrrrrrrr?
Boy: *places hand on forehead* Whoa, you're hot--I MEAN, WARM!

Student #1: *singing in the middle of a quiz*
Female student: [singer] is going to be the singer at my wedding.
Male student: Nuh-uh, he's going to be the singer at MY wedding.
*bicker bicker bicker while I try to get them settled back on the test*
Student #1: Orrrrr you guys could just marry each other so I don't have to wear out my voice.

In honor of "March Madness", administration asked for pictures of the teachers playing sports as kids. They hung them on the wall in the cafeteria as a "guess who" game for the kids.

Student: MS. S! I KNOW WHICH ONE IS YOU!
Me: Oh yeah? How could you tell?
Student: Duh, you're the whitest one on the whole wall.

Me: Okay, I know it's Friday, I know you don't want to be here, but it's just 30 more minutes until the weekend.
Student: Be honest Mrs. S--most days do you even want to be here?
Me: Yeah, actually. It's fun to teach you when you want to learn. I left a job that paid way more money than this to come here because I think it's pretty cool to see people learn.
Student: Wait, repeat that?
Me: I left a job that paid way more money than this to---
Student: AND THEY LET YOU BECOME A MATH TEACHER? Sounds like a pretty bad mathematical decision on your part!

Me: Okay, so we're going to study elimination today. *Go over basic method*
Student: Whoa, that's easy.
Me: Not so fast, there are a few monkey wrenches coming.
Student: How many monkey wrenches?
Me: 3
Student: Do they get harder as we go?
Me: Yeah, they generally do.
Student: So it's not just 3 monkeys, it's more like, "Spider monkey", "Orangutan", and "King Kong"?

Student: What?! Where's our warm up?
Me: We don't have time for one today, we have too much to cover.
Student: *smirks* It's county policy to have a warm up, where's your warm up?
Me: No it's not, please get out your work.
Student: But it's in your contract! You could get fiiiiiiiired!
Me: Well, it's in your contract to do your homework, but you don't seem to do that either. What would you like to do about it?

Boy: Ms. S, [boy #2] isn't here today!!!!
Me: Oh no, poor baby. Are you going to cry about it?
Boy: Yeah. But in the shower. So no one can hear my tears.

"Ohmygod you guys, do you know what my mom did to me? She bought JEGGINGS. And then she told me she was going to wear them to SCHOOL to pick me up. Ohmygod, if she does that, I will never show my face in school again. In fact, I'll get a nose job."

Student: That field trip was stupid!
Me: Aww, poor baby. They didn't let you have a wife?
Student: Nah, I had a wife! I had a good life! 25, married, and no kids!
Me: Hey, just like me.
Student: Except I made waaaay more money than you do!

We went on a field trip today to some facility where kids could practice their budgeting skills. They were each handed a "life situation" card, detailing their salary, marital status, and number of children.

Boy: Oh my God, I'm 25 and I'm married?
Girl: Oh my God, I'm 29 and I'm not married?

Student: I wish you had married your high school boyfriend.
Me: What? Why?
Student: Because then I could have your husband! ZING! He's cute!

I had sent a student outside for back talking and disrupting class. He spends time outside a lot.

Me: Do you understand that when you do that, it really hurts my feelings?
Student: It does? What? Oh, I'm sorry Ms. S, I didn't know that. *Thinks* I didn't know teachers had feeling.

Student: What does "Personal Choice" mean?
Me: It means you can donate as much or as little money as you want to charity--there's no set percent.
Student: I'm going to donate $1.
Me: Uh...your net 'salary' is $5800/month, and you're only donating $1/month to charity?
Student: What? That's like, $12 per year. If I do it for 80 years, that's...$960! That's a lot of money! They'll start calling me "Oprah Man"!

We were doing riddles today. "26 L in the A" becomes "26 Letters in the Alphabet", "7 W of the W" is "7 Wonders of the World". All was going mighty fine, until...

"8 T on an O"

"EIGHT TESTICLES ON AN OCTOPUS!!!!"

Sometimes their vocabulary slip ups are quite unfortunate.

Student: Do I have to buy "Internet" and "Cable"?
Me: No, choose 1 or both.
Student: I'll choose internet. All the good stuff's online. *wink*

Student: I'm done.
Me: No you aren't. You only purchased a car and paid rent. You didn't buy cable or internet, new clothes, a cell phone, or groceries.
Student: I don't need to pay for groceries.
Me: You're going to eat your car?
Student: No, I'm going to drive to the food bank. See, I didn't fill in "pay check" either.
Me: You're going to drive to the food bank in your Lexus?
Student: Eh, I'll park it around the corner and walk the last block.

Student: When are you going on the field trip, Ms. S?
Me: Thursday.
Student: Oh boy! We're going to show you a good time!...WAIT. NOT LIKE THAT.

Student: *unintelligible gibberish*
Me: I'm sorry, can you repeat that? That made no sense.
Student: Oh. Never mind. I was trying to say something dumb but sound really smart.

Student: *sing-songy* Ms. S...I have the form...for the club!
Me: Oh yeah? Did you decide what the club is going to be for?
Student: Oh yes. KARAOKE CLUB!
Me: *busts out laughing* You know I don't sing, right?
Student: Oh there's so much more to Karaoke Club than singing! There's dancing (not break dancing), and poetry, and music, and so. much. more!

My Mondays will never be the same again...

Student: What was your name before you were married?
Me: [maiden name]
Student: Can I call you [maiden name]?
Me: Please don't, that hasn't been my name for almost 4 years.
Student: You've been married 4 years? And you don't have any kids yet? What's wrong with you? Do you even want kids?
Me: Not really, no.
Student: Wow, Ms. S--not cool. You are so not cool anymore.
Me: I didn't know I ever was cool.
Student: Uh, I don't know if you realize, but you just dissed yourself. Hard. *pauses* Seriously Ms. S, aren't you concerned about repopulating the earth?

Student: *beckons*
Me: What's up?
Student: I'm going to start a club!
Me: Oh yeah? What's it about?
Student: I don't know yet.
Me: That's okay, you'll figure it out.
Student: And you're going to be the sponsor!

Back story: Thursday night, my dog got out of the yard (surprise) and I spent the evening trying to track her back down. I finally found her, having cornered a squirrel halfway up a tree. Sadly, she had managed to injure the poor critter, and it's shoulder/arm was seriously mauled, to the point where it couldn't climb anymore. I was traumatized, and shared the story with my first period the next day.

Student: Hey, I have a riddle! What has 1 foot on one end, one foot on the other end, and a third foot in the middle?
Me: I don't know, what?
Student: A yard stick!
Student #2: Or the squirrel from last night.

Touche.

Student: Ohmygod, it's Jersey Shore day!
Me: I can't believe you watch that.
Student: What? It's just real life.
Me: Uhh, I don't know what kind of life you're living, but that's not real life.
Student: Well yeah, not for a 13 year old...but for their age it is.
Me: I got news for you. I'm their age, and that's not real life.
Student: Well sure, not for you! You're a teacher, your life is boring!
Me: You realize they're like, 30, right?
Student: Yeah, Mike is ooooooold. He's like, 45!
Me: I really can't believe your parents let you watch that.
Student: Eh, my mom's kind of bipolar about it. One day she'll be like, "You should stop watching that," and then the next day she'll ask, "So, what happened on Jersey Shore last night?"

I dragged my husband to the middle school musical over the weekend, so a bunch of my kiddos met him. Thus sparked immense interest in my marriage. Also in the middle of math discussion...

Student: Ms. S, your husband is attractive.
Me: Oookay, moving on.
Student #2: [student 1], do you mean he has nice cheek bones?
Student #3: What's your husband's name?
Me: Let's get back to math.
Student #3: Is it Harry? Because when I think of Harry, I think of a fat old man with lots of hair.
Student #4: That's strange--I think of Harry Potter.

In the middle of discussing inequalities...

Student: Ms. S, I have something really important to tell you.
Me: Okay, what is it?
Student: No, I'll tell you later.
Me: Well, if it's important, let's discuss it now.
Student: Well, it's not really math related.
Me: Okay, later then.
*30 seconds later*
Student: OhmygodIcan'twaitanylonger! Forever21 is closing at the mall!!!

"Oooh, it's almost Valentines day? Man, I wish I had a husband. I wish I was done with school, and had a job, and a husband...and I'd do this *snaps* and he'd go away. And then I'd do this *claps* and he'd come back. I'd just snap all the time."

Student 1: Do you feel old, Ms. S, talking about tv shows we've never heard of?
Me: I guess...I mean, I've never thought about myself as old, but I'm twice as old as you are.
Student 2: Whoa, really? I thought you were at least in your 30's!
Student 3: I had her pegged for 18!
Student 4: I figured you were 11, and you were like the Doogie Howser of teaching.

Community service for 8th graders was due today. They needed 5 hours over the course of the semester. Not surprisingly, many of the kids were an hour (or 2, or 4) short.

1st block:
"Mrs. S, do you have any community service I could do for you?" "When?" "I was thinking during class."
2nd block: "Mrs. S, I'm still short an hour of community service." "Oh, that sucks--should have planned better." "Well, I was thinking...maybe you could like, advance me a service hour? I'll pay you back next week."
3rd block: "Ms. S, I have a proposition for you. If I'm quiet for 30 minutes and don't disrupt anyone, you'll give me 30 minutes of community service." "Yeah, no." (halfway through the period) "You're really regretting turning down that deal, aren't you?"

Two boys were Harry Potter spell-ing each other across the classroom using pencils as wands.

Student 1: PROTEGO! *pew!*
Student 2: PROTEGO! *pew!*
Student 1: AHHHHH *falls down*
Me: Alright, Harry Potter needs to go away. [Student 1] you need to get up and get back to work.
Student 1: Ooookay. Wingardium, leviosa! *stands up*
Student 3: Ms. S, can we turn off the lights?
Me: But then you won't be able to see to do your work.
Student 3: No, just wait until I say "LUMOS!" and then you turn them back on all sneaky.

Me: Okay, so for a compound inequality with "and", the solution needs to satisfy both parts of the inequality.
Student: Heh heh, satisfy both parts.
Me: So let's look at this inequality. "x" is stuck between -2 and 5.
Student: Heh heh, stuck between.
Me: The pointy part of the inequality is facing towards -2, so what does that mean?
Student: Heh heh, pointy part.
Me: Remember how in first grade you learned that the inequality is an alligator that eats the bigger number?
Student: Heh heh, eats the other one.
Me: DO I NEED TO SEND YOU BACK TO HEALTH CLASS? YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE SOME REPRESSED COMMENTARY.

Me: Have you ever been to a restaurant that was closed for a private party? You know, so that you couldn't get in unless you were invited?
Student: Oh, yeah! [local strip club] has signs on the door all the time that say closed for private party!
Me: Okay, let's keep it appropriate.
Student: What? It's a restaurant! It says $5.99 steaks right on the door!
Student #2: What's so funny? I don't get it--it's just a wine store, my dad's taken me there before.
Me: MOVING ON...

Student: Ohmygod, my brain is just shut off.
Me: What do you mean?
Student: You know, with school almost being over and all--I'm just done with this.
Me: Uhh, it's the end of 2nd quarter. We're just barely halfway.
Student: Yeah, exactly. Almost done. I mean really, you don't do anything at the end of the year anyway.

Student: What's the identity property?
Me: Think about what you see when you look in the mirror.
Student 1: Oh, Jesus.
Student 2: Hah, ______ thinks he's Jesus.
Student: No, but my brother is the child of Satan.
Me: Do you realize what that would make your mother?
Student 1: Mother Theresa?
Student 2: Mary?
Student 3: Dead?
Student 1: Whatever, all I know is, I have come to replenish your sins.

"I'm going to name my children Sarah, and Annabelle, and Preston. Unless I marry a redneck, and then I'm naming my son Bentley."

Student #1: Whoa, your last name is ______? That's so cool! I wish I had a cool last name, like...
Student #2: da Vinci?
Student #1: Yeah, da Vinci! I'm going to marry Leonardo da Vinci so we can have babies named "Henry da Vinci".
Me: You're about 500 years too late.
Student #1: That's okay, I don't care.
Student #2: Or Leonardo DiCaprio
Student #1: Even better! That's so pretty! There will be Henry DiCaprio
Student #2: And Layla DiCaprio
Student #1: And Lindsey DiCaprio
Student #2: And Skylar DiCaprio
Student #1: Whoa, that's amazing. Skylar DiCaprio.
Me: Is there some significance to the name "Henry"?
Student #1: Yeah, ever since I was a little girl I've sworn to name my first child "Henry", no matter if it's a boy or a girl. Well, I hope it's not a girl. If it's a girl, I'd have to smack her.
Student #2: You know you can just change your last name? You don't actually have to get married?
Student #1: Eh, that's okay. This is all just pretend anyway. I'm going to marry Justin Beiber.

Dogs at the animal shelter.

Mean age: 4 years
Standard Deviation: 2 years

What is a...
Z-score of -1? 2 years old
Z-score of -2? 0 years old
Z-score of -3? FETUS PUPPY!

Me: Okay, who wants to be the teacher and come up here to explain how to do number 1?
Student: Me me me!
Me: Alrighty, here you go.
Student: DETENTION, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM! Okay, I'm done Mrs. S.

"I'm really mad that you switched me from 5th period to 2nd. I told my mom I still wanted to move back to 5th, and she said that the school won't move me because I haven't gotten in trouble lately and I used to get in trouble all the time in 5th period. So if I start being really mean to you, don't take it personally, okay? I just have to do what I have to do"

*passing out markers for grading a quiz*

Student: Do you have any skinny ones? I don't like the fat ones. *pause* I like my markers like I like my women!

Student: OMG IT'S SNOWING!!!
*everyone rushes to the little window to stare outside*
Me: Okay, okay...back to your seats guys.
Student #2: Aww, man! Mrs. S, you're killing the magic of childhood!
Me: Sorry guys, but we need to get this stuff done.
Student #3: GUYS! Let's pray for snow!
*student in Broncos jersey ducks into a Tebow position*
Student #4: Mrs. S--pray for us to not have to come to your class tomorrow!

Two students were bickering back and forth.

Student 1: Mrs. S, did you know [student 2] skates in the cold?
Student 2: So?! That's like saying, "Did you know [student 2] eats cereal with a spoon?
Student 3: Well, unless you're talking about [Asian student]. Pretty sure he'd eat cereal with chopsticks.

I had a stack of quiznos coupons on my desk.

Student: Ooh, can I have one?
Me: Uh, no.
Student: Why? You have, like 4!
Me: Guess I get to go to quiznos 4 times.
Student: UGH, fine. Serves you right, you're going to get fat.

Me: Does anyone know what this symbol is called? *crickets* It's the Greek letter, "sigma".
Student 1: That sounds like a disease.
Student 2: Yeah, "he died of sigmatary when he was stuck in math class for longer than 10 minutes"