Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student #1: Mrs. S, I saw the school play last night!
Me: Oh yeah? Awesome!
Student #2: Mrs. S, I saw a dead deer last night!

Student: Excuse me, Miss--may I borrow a pencil?
Me: [student], you ask to borrow a pencil every day. Why don't you have one?
Student: I have a pen...
Me: Okay, trade me your pen for a pencil for the period.
Student: Actually, I think I left my pen in my locker.
Me: So you have no writing utensils?
Student: No.
Me: Okay, give me something else in exchange for a pencil.
Student: You can have my homework.
Me: No, I want your bracelet. (A visual of this stellar accessory can be found here)
Student: No! Not my boobie bracelet!
Me: If you want a pencil, give me your bracelet.
Student: But...what if you forget to trade back? A pencil is only worth like, a dollar, and that bracelet is worth five dollars!
Me: I won't forget. (How could I?) Here, here's a pencil.
Student: Uhhh....Miss? Can I have a mechanical pencil? I don't really like this one. I prefer the lead kind.

Student: Mrs. S! I saw [other student] in a major tongue wrestling competition yesterday!

Students were doing a "stations" activity, rotating around the room.

Me: Okay [student], you're finished with the one, go to the next station.
Student: [30 seconds later] I'm done, can you check my answers?
Me: There's no way you solved 3 problems in 30 seconds.
Student: I admired a lot of other papers.

I was in a car accident on the way to work this morning (yay). I walked in halfway through 1st period.

Co-teacher: "Mrs. S, who had an interesting morning, will pass out your papers"
Student: Are you sure she didn't get (air quotes) "stuck in traffic"?

Male Student: Ms. S, Ms. S, my baby was born today!
Me: o.O ???????
Male Student: My mom had my baby brother!
*wave of relief*

Student: Mrs. S, I have a question I've always wondered about.
Me: What's that?
Student: How do whales have babies? I mean, I know how human babies happen--don't ask--but where do whale babies come from?

Student 1: *making weird noises from the front of the class*
Student 2: HEY, [student 1], stop making annoying noises! That's MY job!

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Me: Sure, here you go.
Student: Can I also borrow a belt? I lost mine yesterday, and my pants won't stay up.

I taught a math remediation class tonight after school. I had a bunch of students who aren't in my daily classes, so I was meeting them for the first time.

Me: What's your name?
Student: Katie.
Me: Okay Katie, come on up here and do this problem.
Student: I don't know any Katies, my name's Katherine.
Me: Katherine, come up here.
Student: Who's Katherine?
Me: Okay, you have one shot to tell me what you want to be called for the rest of the program. Ready, go:
Student 1: Katie.
Student 2: Carlos.
Student 3: Pickle!

I really did call him Pickle for the rest of the day. 3 hours is a long time to refer to a child as "Pickle" without bursting into giggles.

Student: Mrs. S, if I get an A on this [really important, district mandated standardized] test, can we go to lunch?
Me: Absolutely. That's a great idea.
Student: Tight! I invite, you buy. That's how this sucka rolls!

(Too bad the highest grade in the whole 6th grade so far is a 76%...)

Teacher: What do you say to members of the community who say the students here are too solely focused on academics?

High School Student: I think they'd be shocked to see all the extra curriculars students are involved in here. We have tons of clubs and sports teams--and the teams are good! We have championship track, cross country, and soccer teams. We do suck at football though--'cause let's be honest, smart people tend to be undersized.

What are the steps to a successful life? (selected student answers)

-be born
-be potty trained
-get a lot of friends and girlfriends
-get laid
-go to high school and get more friends and girls
-go to college for 6 or so years
-get married to a hot girl and have kids
-turn 60 and get paid for doing nothing
-die

Reflection question: How do you think your team did during the mystery disease project?

Student 1: I think my team was a piece of goodness.
Student 2: I think my team did good (considering who's on it)
Student 3: We did pretty good (other than we killed all our patients)
Student 4: I think we did fine dispiet [sic] the fact some anaunumas... [sic] people never did as they were told and just back talked the whole time.

Student: Mrs. S, I need help.
Me: What's your question?
Student: I need help on #4.
Me: Okay, what's your question?
Student: I don't get it.
Me: That's not a question.
Student: Can you help me with #4?
Me: Sure, what's your question?
Student: I don't know how to do #4.
Me: I'm sorry, that must be frustrating.
Student: I'll just ask Mr. H instead.