Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: I went to Peru in January.
Me: Really?  Did you go to Machu Picchu?  That's where I want to go for summer vacation.
Student #2: Machu Picchu?  Is that a restaurant?

Student: Have you ever had male cow?
Me: Sure...the beef we eat is mostly all steers, I believe.  The female cows are dairy cows.
Student: Oh really?  Darn. Girl cow tastes better.
Me: Oh? Why is that?
Student: Because when meat is in milk, it is softer, and girl cows have milk in them.
Me: What?
Student: You know, like veal?  That's cow that has been only fed milk.  If you eat the girl cows, you can skip that step because they still have milk in them.

Me: Okay, so we have 7(x+2) < 28.  We have two choices of what we can do.  What are they?
Student #1: Distribute.
Me: Good.  What's the other option?
Student #2: Give up.

"Your nose matches your shirt, Mrs. S"
"huh?"
"You know...they're both really red.

(hispanic) Student: Oy, Laddie!  I'm Irish!
Me: Have you ever been to Ireland?
Student: No.
Me: Oh--I'm planning on going for spring break.
Student: You're going to drink a lot of beer.
Me: Well, maybe I'll have some beer, yes.
Student: Oh, there's no "maybe", Mrs. S.  You're in Ireland, you're going to drink a lot.

"What button do you push on the calculator to find the standard deviation?  Oh my god, this is so hard.  I feel like an adult trying to use a computer.  I'm an old man on the internet right now."

Boy #1: Wait, what's on your boxers?
Boy #2: *shows him*
Me: Excuse me?  Can we stop showing each other our underwear please?
Boy #1: But it says "TICKLE MY PICKLE" and has pickles all over it!
Me: .......
Boy #2: See?  So it's okay!

especially because I handed it out saying, "This is a pre-assessment, it isn't graded."