Tales from a Middle School Jungle

The last problem on their 3rd unit test:

The theme for the day is, "Don't be dead, wear red"

Me: I'm impressed by all you non-dead wearers of red clothing.  Some of you slacked a little though.
Student: WHAT?  It was red day?!  *grabs a red sharpie and scribbles all over the front of his shirt*

Tomorrow is "Drugs cause double trouble" (twin day)

(male) Student: Mrs. S, what are we wearing for twin day?
Me: Sorry, I'm going to be Miss G's twin.
(male) Student: Aww, Mrs. S, you're breakin' my heart!  I had a red dress ready and everything!  Heck, I could have just worn that dress you're wearing right now!

Later, another boy:
(male) Student: Tomorrow is twin day?  What does that mean?
Me: It means you wear clothes that match someone else.
(male) Student: SERIOUSLY!?  YES! [another male student], GET YOUR BIKINI READY!

Thursday is "Drugs cause drama, wear your pajamas"
Student: Can I wear boxers on Thursday?
Me: Huh?
Student: For pajama day.
Me: No, you cannot wear underwear.
Student: But that's what I wear to sleep in!
Me: Sorry.
Student: I'll just wear them OVER my pants.  They can't get mad at me then.

Me: Okay, is your team going to be pink, purple, blue, or green?
Male Student: We're going to be....THIS COLOR! *lifts up shirt to show hot pink boxers*
Me: So am I to feel special, or do you show your underwear to all your teachers?  Put your shirt back down.  And what is your team name?
Male Student: Big Pimpin'.
Me: No.
Male Student: Pimps and Ho's?
Me: No.
Male Student: Call of Cuties?
Me: Fine.

I collected his paper at the end of class.  It said "Call of Big Pimpin' Hos".

Referral in process.

Boy #1: When do you want to get married?
Boy #2: I dunno, like, 42 or something.
Boy #1: WHAT?  No girl is going to want you at 42!  Hurry up and get a girlfriend, man!
Boy #3: Oh yeah, well I'm never getting married.
Boy #1: Why not?
Boy #3: I want all the ladies, all the time.  None of this "getting married" stuff, then you can't do anything fun anymore!
Boy #2: Yeah, but that's not realistic.  I mean, girls start nagging you.  You won't be able to keep them away forever.  No offense, Mrs. S--I know you're a girl, but girls are awfully annoying sometimes.

We've been doing Estimation 180 for the past few weeks in my intervention class.  The kids love it.  They are climbing over each other to get to be the one who types in the guesses.  Today, my 1st period clown won the race to the front and started typing in his guesses.

Name: Doctor Santiago
Estimate: 4000 pieces of paper
Confidence: 5
Context clues: I'm a doctor

Followed by round 2:
Name: Doctor Proffeser [sic]

Student #2: OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR PhD IN SPELLING, DOCTOR!

(My heart melted.  One child knew how to spell <3)

Me: And don't forget, if you want to come to the [honors high school] prep class this afternoon, I'll be in the cafeteria.
Student: I have a question!
Me: Yes?
Student: If someone got suspended, can they still do after school?
Me: Not relevant.
Student: VERY RELEVANT!
Me: Unless you got suspended, it's not relevant.
Student: EXACTLY, VERY RELEVANT.

Every Monday students have problem sets due.  They are handed out on Monday, due the next Monday.  Anywhere from 1-10 questions of varying difficulty.

Student: You need to help me on #4, Mrs. S!
Me: No I don't, it's due today, you should have asked last week.
Student: But I have a question on this one, so I can't turn it in yet.
Me: That's fine, you can turn it in later for partial credit, it's due right now.
Student: (starting to make a scene in front of the whole class)  But that's not fair!  I couldn't do it because you didn't respond to my email!  How am I supposed to do things if you won't help me!?  This is your fault!
Me: Oh, right.  Sorry, I forgot that when you decide to email me at 8:30 pm on a Sunday the night before something is due, it's my job to magically know you did that and drop everything to respond to you.  Maybe next time you won't wait until the last minute.
Student: That's SO. NOT. FAIR.

My honors students have never struggled with anything mathematical in their lives.  They are not handling a challenge very well.  Hopefully it gets easier as the year goes on.

Student: This is an outrage!  I am going to petition the government!
Me: For what?
Student: NO MORE WORD PROBLEMS!

"For some reason, "Heisenberg" always reminds me of "Budweiser"."

Student 1: Hey [student 2], do you wear contacts?
Student 2: What?  No!  Contacts are for cell phones!

"Why do we get Columbus Day off?  No one cares about Columbus anymore.  They should make us go to school on Columbus Day, and give us the day after Halloween off, instead.  That would be a way better plan.  You know, to sleep off that sugar high."

It was raining so hard today that it took me twice as long to drive to work.  Buckets and buckets at 7 am.

Me: So today the plan is to--
Student #1 walking in: Sorry I'm late.
Me: --go over literal equations again and then play some review basketball.
Student #2: WE'RE GOING OUTSIDE?
Me, heavily sarcastically: Yeah, it's pouring rain outside, it looks like an excellent day to go outside.
Student #1: OHMYGOD, MRS. S, don't do that to me!  Do you see my hair?  The rain is the reason I was late in the first place, I couldn't get it to work in this weather, and now you're making us go outside!?  This isn't fair!

Me: Whoa, you've got your arms full there!
Student: Yeah, I have *counts* 1, 2, 3 binders!  Oh shoot, I left my social studies binder!
Me: Well, I'm sure she'll still have it after school.  You can go get it then.
Student: No, it's in my locker!  Can I go get it?
Me: Sorry, there's not time.  You'll just have to go without it today.
Student:  Guess I'll just have to tell [co-teacher] I have a headache and have to go to the nurse.  *winks*

Me: Okay, this is the million dollar question...what is the opposite of multiplying by five ninths?
(Students raise hands)  I see...5...6...7 millionaires.  Wow, that whole table is going to be filthy rich.
Student: Yeah, well, they're just going to end up paying it all in taxes!