Tales from a Middle School Jungle

This unit got crammed together and rushed due to a holiday and inservice days and tons of absences and such, so for the test today we allowed kids to write a half page "cheat sheet" of notes to use.

One boy stayed after school yesterday, working with one of the other algebra teachers to come up with all the information he needed for his notes page. Today, he walks into my classroom with a paper that has half a sentence on it.

Me: [student], where are the rest of your notes?
Student: That's it, that's all of them.
Me: But I thought you and [other teacher] figured out all the stuff you needed yesterday.
Student: Yeah, we did, but...well...you're not going to believe this...a monkey erased all of it.

*sigh*

Considering only 5/60 kids so far even made an attempt at the notes page, he's sadly ahead of the game.

Student: What are you going to do without us next year, Ms. S?
Student #2: Probably kill herself.
Me: Excuse me?
Student #2: I mean, kill yourself metaphorically.

Student 1: There are a lot of rumors about you.
Student 2: Yeah, I heard that 5th period makes you cry.
Student 3: I heard you're getting fired.
Student 4: I heard you bank with Wells Fargo.

Me: Guys! I said stop talking! I really can't deal with it anymore!
Student: You should take a bath, Ms. S.
Me: Or you guys could just stop talking.
Student: Oh come on now, that's pretty unlikely.
Me: You think that a bath is more likely than quiet for the rest of this period?
Student: To be perfectly honest, yes. And probably it should involve bubbles. You seem REALLY stressed.

I was having a ROUGH day yesterday in 7th period. The kids wouldn't stop talking, I had a splitting headache, and I was exhausted from averaging 5-6 hours of sleep all week. Finally I just closed my eyes and leaned against the board and tried to recollect myself, when I heard,

"Hello? Yes...my teacher...Mrs. S....she really needs a break"

I opened my eyes to see a boy miming talking into the phone.

"Yeah, she's really tired...2 weeks in the bahamas...Pronto!...No! I said Katie Perry, not Kelly Clarkson! Gosh!"

On the board: "your ugly"

Student: Ms. S--someone wrote something bad on your board!
Me: You're right, let me fix it. "You're ugly". That's better.

Student: I performed a magic trick last night, and my homework disappeared!
Me: That's a bad magic trick.

In the middle of a lesson on domain/range in functions...

Me: Any questions?
Student: Who came first, Adam or Eve?
Me: Let me rephrase, any relevant questions?
Student: No, seriously--who was first? Was it Adam? Because boys are x, and girls are y. Adam is first, so x is first, so x is domain.

Wow.

Today we were learning about functions. I introduced the concept of "For every input there must only be 1 output" or "Every x maps to exactly 1 y". Suddenly, a girl pipes up.

Student: No cheaters!
Me: Huh?
Student: You know...the x's can't be with more than one y.
Me: Oh, okay. Yeah, no cheating x's. Every x can only have one "y" girl friend.
Student #2: Can y's have more than 1 x?
Me: Yup, that's okay. We're only worried about x's having 1 y.
Student #3 (girl): That's because girls are allowed to have more than one boyfriend. Boys just can't have more than 1 girlfriend. I think I'm going to like this unit.

"Aww, Ms. S--do we have to move? I just moved across the country, and now you're going to make me move across the classroom too?"

Student: Ms. S, do you like (other student's) hair down?
Me: Yeah, it's pretty.
Student: You're lying.
Me: No I'm not. Look at me, I wear my hair down every day.
Student: No, I remember one time, you wore it up, and you also wore a blue North Face. I remember, because blue is my favorite color, and one day I dream of owning a North Face. You're basically living my dream.

Somehow we got into telling jokes today. I'm not really sure how that happened. Selected student samples:

What happens when a monkey eats invisible bananas? They have invisible farts.
What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing--fruit can't talk.
What's the capital of Montana? SQUIRREL!

Student: Hey, Mrs. S--you should totally start teaching like the dog in Up. You know, "X equals negative---SQUIRREL!!!"

Me: Guys, I have tried everything with you to get you to stop talking. I've given you a grade, bribed you with candy, offered to play bingo...and still you won't stop talking. I give up! I have no more ideas!
Student: I have an idea.
Me: What is it?
Student: Duct tape.
Student #2: Oh yeah, my soccer coach uses that.

We have casual Fridays. Yesterday I wore my North Face fleece. I have never had so many kids talk to me. Kids who haven't said 2 words ALL YEAR commented on my jacket.

"Nice North Face"
"Whoa, you have a North Face?"
"Mrs. S is "swag", look at her north face!"
"I like your North Face"
"How much did your North Face cost?"
"If I do my homework, can I have your north face?"
"Can I wear your North Face?" "No." "Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I promise I won't be bad today."

If only I were rich enough to bribe them all with jackets, apparently.

Student from my regular level math class is struggling to solve literal equations.
Me: Okay, if we're solving 2AB = C for A, what does that mean?
Student: Get A all by itself.
Me: Yep, so how are you going to do that?
Student: Subtract 2.
Me: We need to do the opposite of whatever is going on.
Student: Yeah, so minus the 2!
Me: But when variables and constants are smooshed together, what operation is that?
Student: Times.
Me: Okay, so if we're multiplying, how do we undo it?
Student: Divide.
Me: Good, so what are we going to do first?
Student: Minus 2.
(continues for a while until we finally reach a consensus)
Student: I really think I need to be in honors. It sounds a lot easier than this.

I held a remediation session after school today. We played "review basketball". Unfortunately, I kind of ran out of steam with 15 minutes still left in our 90 minute review (and the kids did too). They found the white board pens.


"Mrs. Schutz's day before 5th & 7th period" (happy flowers)
"Mrs. Schutz's day after 5th & 7th period" (dead flowers)
(written by one of my 7th period students)

I'm not sure who wrote this one, but I'm guessing it's another 5th or 7th period student...

A good reminder that I need to try harder to be patient and make the best of the situation at hand--apparently my frustration is showing too much.

Student: Ms. S, you forgot to do blah blah blah in that powerpoint
Me: Oh crud, you're right. Guess that's what happens when you make them at midnight.
Student: You made this at midnight?
Me: Yeah.
Student: GUYS! Ms. S was up late last night, I vote we cancel class so she can take a nap. Who's with me?

I am at a total loss of what to do with my 5th period class. It's a disaster--I have to yell at them daily to get them to keep their mouths shut longer than 10 seconds--and that's not an exaggeration. In an act of desperation, I bought one of these and one of these from the dollar aisle at Target on Friday. Actually, they came from the two-dollar and fifty cent aisle, but that's neither here nor there.

Today, I couldn't have planned it better. A boy walked into class wearing this:



I pulled out my turkey hats. His eyes lit up.

Student: Ms. S, we can wear hats in here!?
Me: Sorry dude, it's against school rules. Put the polar bear away. (Girls are crawling all over him trying to take it from him)
Student: But Ms. S!!!!
Me: Here's the deal guys. The best behaved student tomorrow gets their pick of turkey hats.
*Excited chaos ensues*

We'll see how it goes. On my way out the door, one of my most astute students commented to me:

"Nice bribe, Ms. S"

Why, thank you.

Student was late to homeroom. He sauntered in, very confidently.

Me: You're late.
Student: Nuh-uh, I have a pass! Look! *hands me his agenda*
Me: What are these initials?
Student: I dunno.
Me: Well who signed your pass?
Student: I dunno.
Me: *reads a little closer* It says "DM". Who's "DM"?
Student: Me.
Me: You signed your own pass?
Student: Yeah, 'cause I knew I was going to be late.

Nice try.