Tales from a Middle School Jungle

"See this shirt? It's my mom's shirt. We used to share shirts all the time, but then you know how when you have a baby you get fat? Yeah, well, she had a baby, so...you know...I got her shirts. But only temporarily. She's going to go to the gym soon and take them all back. And it's only a little bit fat. Just so you know."

Student: Can I just click through this whole test since it doesn't count?
Me: Do you hate me? You make me look bad if you do badly.
Student: Hrm...well, you make ME look bad when you call my mom, so it's pay back.

Taking a test today. Two (pretty honest, trust worthy) boys ended up taking it in the hall outside the classroom to lessen the distractions.

Student inside the classroom: Mrs. S--just in case you were wondering, [student 1] and [student 2] are outside facing each other.
Me: Thank you.
Student: It looks like the perfect set up for, you know, CHEATING.
Me: Thank you, but why don't you let me be the teacher and you be the student?
Student: WOW. You know it's 2012 when the teacher trusts the students more than the students trust the students!

30 minutes later, the outside boys are both finished, and both score 15/20.

Inside student: HOW CONVENIENT. CHANGE YOUR MIND MUCH, MRS. S?

Me: Okay, show me your homework.
Student: We didn't do it.
Me: None of you?
Student: Yeah.
Me: This is the slacker table.
Student: True, true. *pause* Hey [other student], get over here. This is the slacker table, I think Mrs. S forgot to change your seat.

"Can you sharpen my pencil for me? Your pencil sharpener's racist; it doesn't like Hispanics."

Student: Ugh, all your magazines suck.
Me: So why don't you bring in something of your own to read?
Student: Because my kind of magazines aren't school appropriate.

"It's your birthday? So we're doing nothing today, right? You don't want to work too hard on your birthday!"
"I woke up soooo early this morning and baked you all these cupcakes, but then I left them at home. Oops."
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS. S! Look, I did my homework, just for you!"
"I got you a pencil!" *5 minutes later* "Why aren't you doing your work?" "I have nothing to write with."

Then my favorite...the kids realized it was my birthday, and were saddened to find they had no gift for me. So they started finding things in the room to give me.

"I got you this eraser, Mrs. S!"
"I got you your computer mouse, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this laptop, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this file cabinet, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this whole classroom, Mrs. S!"
"I got you this kid, Mrs. S!" WAIT, WHAT? Sure enough, one kid was carrying another student towards me, attempting to hand him off as a present. Poor present child.

Me: One day, [student 1], you're probably going to be a dad...
Student 2: Oh geez...can you imagine him as a dad? "Where do babies come from?" "Well, son, I pieced you together out of some stuff I found in trash cans!"
Student 1: You should put that in your book, Mrs. S. You know, the one you're going to write about us when you go crazy and can't teach anymore.

"Mrs. S--since tomorrow's your birthday, is it okay if we bring in food?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"YES!!! I'M TOTALLY BRINGING GIANT BOTTLES OF MOUNTAIN DEW AND SUPER SUGARY THINGS"
"Uhh...."
"What would you do if I brought in just a whole bag full of sugar and gave people spoon fulls to eat?"

Me: Okay, so you guys can see how a radical is the opposite of an exponent, right? The square root sign is like the "undo" for the square.
Student: Wait wait, let me guess. Now you're going to tell us that "square root" is from the Hebrew word for "find the opposite of", right? Just cut to the chase, we don't really need to know the Latin origin."

Student 1: Happy birthday!
Me: It's not my birthday.
Student 2: It's your birthday?!
Me: No, it's not my birthday.
Student 3: OMG, happy birthday!
Me: It's not my birthday. We're going to start the warm up in 3...2...1...
Whole class: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO YOU!

Slightly nervous to see what happens next week when it actually IS my birthday. I kid you not, all day random kids I didn't even know were coming up to me and wishing me happy birthday. Then they'd laugh and run away. I kind of felt like I was teaching 8 year olds instead of 8th graders. It was cute, in a really strange way.

The warning bell run, and kids were still socializing in the hallway instead of going to class. I found one of my hooligans and walked up behind him and started pushing him towards my room.

"Hey, Mrs. S! Get your hands off me! If my girl sees me like this, she's gonna let me have it!"

Sung to the tune of "Baby come back" by Hall and Oates

Me: [Student], please move over to that desk for the test.
Student: Okay.
Student #2: Nooo! [Student] come back! I was going to cheat off you, but now you're gone, and I'm guaranteed to fail...

*15 minutes into class*

Student: OMG you look so pretty today!
Me: [Student], we're taking a test, you need to be quiet.
Student: You cut your hair, didn't you!?
Me: [Student], please stop talking, it's distracting to everyone else.
Student: Gosh, I was just trying to compliment you. Niceness just isn't appreciated these days!

Student 1: Whoa, this song is so white, Mrs. S.
Student 2: Well duh, look at her. What do you expect?

*Boy is playing with calculator, singing along phonetically to the buttons he pushes*

"SIN, COS, EL-EN, NEGATIVE 1, TAN, TAN, TAN, LOG, SIN, LOG, SIN, LOG, EL-EN! 5, 2, NEGATIVE 1, NEGATIVE 1, NEGATIVE 1, 6, 6, 9, BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY 6-6-6 BUT I DIDN'T, NEGATIVE 1, NEGATIVE 1..."

Girl: Do I have a feverrrrrrrrr?
Boy: *places hand on forehead* Whoa, you're hot--I MEAN, WARM!

Student #1: *singing in the middle of a quiz*
Female student: [singer] is going to be the singer at my wedding.
Male student: Nuh-uh, he's going to be the singer at MY wedding.
*bicker bicker bicker while I try to get them settled back on the test*
Student #1: Orrrrr you guys could just marry each other so I don't have to wear out my voice.

In honor of "March Madness", administration asked for pictures of the teachers playing sports as kids. They hung them on the wall in the cafeteria as a "guess who" game for the kids.

Student: MS. S! I KNOW WHICH ONE IS YOU!
Me: Oh yeah? How could you tell?
Student: Duh, you're the whitest one on the whole wall.

Me: Okay, I know it's Friday, I know you don't want to be here, but it's just 30 more minutes until the weekend.
Student: Be honest Mrs. S--most days do you even want to be here?
Me: Yeah, actually. It's fun to teach you when you want to learn. I left a job that paid way more money than this to come here because I think it's pretty cool to see people learn.
Student: Wait, repeat that?
Me: I left a job that paid way more money than this to---
Student: AND THEY LET YOU BECOME A MATH TEACHER? Sounds like a pretty bad mathematical decision on your part!

Me: Okay, so we're going to study elimination today. *Go over basic method*
Student: Whoa, that's easy.
Me: Not so fast, there are a few monkey wrenches coming.
Student: How many monkey wrenches?
Me: 3
Student: Do they get harder as we go?
Me: Yeah, they generally do.
Student: So it's not just 3 monkeys, it's more like, "Spider monkey", "Orangutan", and "King Kong"?

Student: What?! Where's our warm up?
Me: We don't have time for one today, we have too much to cover.
Student: *smirks* It's county policy to have a warm up, where's your warm up?
Me: No it's not, please get out your work.
Student: But it's in your contract! You could get fiiiiiiiired!
Me: Well, it's in your contract to do your homework, but you don't seem to do that either. What would you like to do about it?

Boy: Ms. S, [boy #2] isn't here today!!!!
Me: Oh no, poor baby. Are you going to cry about it?
Boy: Yeah. But in the shower. So no one can hear my tears.