Tales from a Middle School Jungle

We were listening to Pandora while kids finished up their assignment.  Maroon 5 came on.

Student: Ew, I hate this group.
Me: Excuse me?  Don't say that!  Adam is my secret boyfriend.
Student #2: Yeah, he's pretty cute.
Me: Mmmhmm.
Student #3: You're just saying that because your husband looks just like Adam Levine.

Hopefully it doesn't go to Mr. S's head :)

Comments from "teacher for a day" project...

"Ugh, being a teacher is hard."
"You seriously do this every day?"
"Can we send kids to the office if they talk during our presentation?"
"This is how I'm starting my lesson: Get out your pencils.  You don't have any pencils? GO CALL YOUR MOM, YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO SCHOOL!"

My remediation students are being "teachers for the day", each presenting a 20-30 minute lesson on a topic of their choice (that we covered this year in algebra).  Today each student was supposed to turn in a script with what they were saying.  One student was unable to complete this task.

Me: [Student], how is your script coming?
Student: Real good.
Me: Can I read it?

Hello class, this is Mr. Lastname, today we are going to be doing some things that have letters and numbers. Ready?  Go.

Me: [Student], I'm going to be honest with you.  It scares me to let you be in charge of the class if this is your script.  I need to know exactly what you're going to say when you go up there, or else it's going to be a waste of everyone's time and you're going to look like a clown.
Student: Mrs. S, I'm going to be honest with you.  I have looked like a clown all year.  If I get up there and don't look like an clown, the class is going to be so shocked they will be unable to concentrate on the math anyway.  You should just let me be the clown.  It's for your own good.

My school issued laptop does not have a touch pad, just the little nubby thing in the middle of the keyboard.  I am inept with it, so I have a mouse I use all the time.  I gave the laptop to a student today to use.

Me: You'll need to use the mouse, there's no touch pad on this computer.
Student: What? So how are you supposed to use the computer if you don't have a mouse?
Me: Well, there's this thingy here, but it's hard to navigate.
Student: You mean the Braille bump for blind people?
Me: Huh?
Student: That's the button for when blind people want to use the computer, isn't it?

Student: Why don't they have "student appreciation week"?  You know, just for doing what we're supposed to do.

Me: They do.  It's called honor roll assemblies--you guys get donuts and juice too.
Student: Yeah, but not everyone gets on the honor roll.
Me: Well all the students who just "do what they're supposed to do" get to be on it.
Student: Yeah, but the bad kids don't get donuts.  Today, even the crappy teachers are getting muffins.

Touche.

Administration came around with a cart full of muffins and pastries and orange juice this morning.  They watched our classes for a couple minutes so we could have breakfast :)

Student (to principal): OH MY GOSH, SHE'S BEEN GONE FOREVER.  HOW MUCH DOES SHE REALLY NEED TO EAT?!

Student 1: Dude, Ms. S, you should totally get some "Grape 5's".
Student 2: Yeah, you'd look so baller in them.
Student 3: They'd totally match this--*points to my purple cardigan*
Me: Are those shoes?
Student 1: Yeah, you should get them.
Student 2: Your husband would think you were so fine.
Student 3: He'd be like, "Oooooooh, Mrs. S, looking good today!"
Me: Yeah, 'cause that's how he talks to me.
Student 3: Okay fine.  "Oooh, K, looking good today!"
Student 2: You can't talk like that in school, it's unappropriate.
Student 3: What, she started it!
Me: I'm not buying $100 shoes.
Student 1: That's okay, they're one eighty.
Student 2: If you come home wearing them, then your husband will probably have to get some too just to keep up with your style, and then he can start selling them to make money.
Me: I like that he has a real job making real money.
Student 3: Are you saying that the money we get from selling shoes isn't real?
Me: I'm not buying myself those shoes.
Student 2: Will you buy me some instead?
Me: Get back to work.

"You know that Bruno Mars is really a woman?  That's why he sings that song "When I was your man."  Because he's not one anymore."

Student: You know how you said we only had to do 7 problems for homework?  I did NINE!
Me: Wow, good for you, you're such an over achiever!
Student: I'm an oral achiever?
Me: No, an OVER achiever.
Student: *stands up, waves arms over her head* I'm an oral achiever, I'm an oral achiever!
Co-teacher: *anxiously making slashing motions at his throat*