Tales from a Middle School Jungle

"I was at church getting confessed, and the priest laughed at me."

Asian girl:  Have you ever noticed how white people just can't tan?
Black girl: Ohmygod, you're so right.  There's just something wrong with them.
Asian girl: It's kind of funny how easy they burn.

Student: Ugh, I hate Ms. (other teacher).  She's so--
Me: Okay, that's enough, I don't want to hear you disrespect my colleagues.
Student #2: You talk to (other teacher)?
Me: I talk to ALL the teachers.
Student: Ugh, you're one of them!  We thought you were on our side, but now it's apparent that you're on their side.
Me: Huh?
Student #2: You know, you're one of the TEACHERS.

Student: Do you have a facebook?
Me: Yeah.
Student: Do you have a twitter?
Me: No.
Student: Mr. _____ has a twitter.  It weirds me out.  I mean, what are old people (he's 30) going to tweet about?
Me: What are YOU going to tweet about?
Student: Oh, I have tons of stuff to tweet about.  But like, I don't get it.  Why would an old person have a twitter.  Like, my aunt has one, and she writes stupid stuff like, "Wow, the people at South Lakes Starbucks are just so nice!"  Blah, BORING.  Get something interesting if you're going to tweet.

Student: I'm going to kill whoever invented algebra.
Me: What?
Student: Who invented algebra, geometry, trigonometry, calculus?  I'm going to kill them.
Me: Well then you're going to kill whole civilizations.
Student: What do you mean?
Me: Those maths were discovered by groups of people a long time ago.
Student: You mean the creators are already dead?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Student: What the heck?  How did they figure out all this math without technology?  I mean, how would you know how to graph a line without your calculator?

One student is pretending to be the other's grandmother, complete with little old lady accent.

"When I was born way back in 1982, uh, I mean, 1928, this would not have been acceptable behavior young man!  Do you hear me?  They'd have slapped you with a yard stick, but then you probably don't even know what a yardstick is, do you?"

We were looking at linear regressions and scatter plot analysis, and the example I made was the lifespan of dogs vs. their weight.  We were having some really good discussions, and then...

Student: What's the longest a dog has ever lived?
Me: I think there are dogs on record at 27 or 28.
Student: Oh my gosh, that's like a whole person's life!
Me: Uhh...I hope you live past that age.
Student:  Well, it's like your age until you have kids.
Me: So your life is over after you have kids?
Student: That's what I hear, anyway.

Student: Mrs. S, I have something really important to tell you!
Me: What?
Student: Last night, I tweeted Katy Perry, and told her that my math teacher went to high school with her.
Me: Oh, geez.
Student: But don't worry, I didn't give her your name.
Student #2: Don't lie, yes you did!
Student: Okay, I did.
Me: I got married.  This wasn't my name in high school.
Student: Oh $#!%, now Katy Perry is going to think I'm crazy!  What was your old fashioned name!?

Student: PARKOUR!  *jumps over a chair and rebounds off the wall*

Student: Happy teacher appreciation week!
Me: Thank you!
Student: In honor of you, I am not going to talk in class today.
Student #2: YEAH RIGHT.  How are you going to pull that off?
Student: I'm going to take a nap.  I won't talk if I'm asleep.

Me: *frustrated*
Student: Do you hate us, Mrs. S?
Me: No, of course not.  I think you're all pretty cool, and I'd hang out with any of you on a Saturday--sometimes it's difficult to teach you guys math though.
Student: Really?  Are you free this Saturday?
Me: That's not what I meant.
Student: We could go to [local strip club]
Me: That's enough.
Student: Okay, Hooters then.
Me: I think the assistant principal would like to see you now.

Student: Man, I'm so happy to be here today.  I don't know why I usually dread coming to school, it's actually pretty fun!
Me: Wow, that's awesome--I'm happy you're in such a good mood today!
Student #2: Did you know, that on the third day of her period, [student 1] dances?
Me: ....
Student #2: What, it's a commercial!

Me: Okay, you are ridiculously negative.  I challenge you to enter my class and say something positive each day.
Student: Challenge...accepted!  What do I get if I'm positive?
Me: I'll smile at you instead of yell at you.
Student: Yeah, that's not going to work.  How about candy?  You give me candy every time I say something positive.
Me: Why do you need candy?
Student: Because I don't have lunch money.
Me: Where's your lunch money?
Student: I don't have any.  I'm Spanish, I'm poor.
Student 2: You're whining about being poor, you just lost your candy.

Student 1: Sometimes, when I see a toddler, I just want to punch them in the head.
Student 2: In the NECK!?
Student 1: No, stupid, in the head.
Student 2: Oh okay, that makes more sense.
Student 1: I just want to be like "WALK NORMAL, IDIOT"
Student 2: What about your niece?
Student 1: ...she's an exception.

Student 1: What? You're 26?!  I really thought you were in your 40's.
Student 2: Whoa man.  You don't say that to a woman.  If you were trying to date her, she'd have slapped you by now and moved on.