Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: Wow Ms. S, you're really good at rolling your eyes. You've got the timing down just right.

Kid: Oh, this is the weird version of "The Grinch", where Susie is a mermaid.

It's a multiple choice test. 1 point per answer.

Student #1: Look what I got--19 out of 20.
Me: Rock star! *high 5*
Student #2: Hey, where's my high 5?
Me: You're not done yet. Beat him.
Student: I will. I'll get NINETEEN AND A HALF.

Yeah, okay. You do that.

The health classes are studying dating right now. All the kids had a paper on it where they had to answer questions about what they thought appropriate dating looked like. I managed to read a couple over their shoulders.

"What type of qualities should a prospective boyfriend or girlfriend have?"
-About my age
-My parents don't want to kill him
-Not gay

"What are some appropriate types of dates to go on?"
-Picnic
-Movies
-Restaurant

"What are some inappropriate types of dates to go on?
-McDonalds
-My house
-Crash someone else's date

Student: Guess where I'm going for break?
Me: Hawaii.
Student: No! To your house!

Me: Okay, what's your goal?
Student: Are we solving for sex? Ohmygodican'tbelieveijustsaidthat.
Me: *pretending to not hear* No, we're isolating "y".
Student: Sorry Mrs. S, I just came from health class.

Student: Ewww, I don't order chicken sandwiches anymore. Last time I did, there was a thermostat in mine.
Student #2: Uhh...thermostat is that thing on the wall.
Student #1: Oh--well, whatever the word for "temperature taking thing that gets stuck in food" is.

A handful of students all suddenly show up in my room to eat lunch (which they aren't supposed to do, they're supposed to stay in the cafeteria).

Me: Uh, is there a party in here that I didn't know about?
Student: It's a surprise party! SURPRISE!

Student (walking in from lunch): Ms. S, women are crazy. No offense.
Me: Uh-oh, what happened?
Student: It's a looooong story. I don't think we have time to get into it.

Student: Ms. S, what do you do in your free time?
Student #2: Grade papers, duh.

Student: I'm glad you have that Charlie Brown tree on your desk.
Me: Oh good--it cheers me up too.
Student: No, I mean, I was going to buy it when I saw the box at the store last week, but now that I see it in person it looks really cheap, so I'm glad I saved my money.

Student: What are the colors for Connecticut University?
Me: For U Conn? Uh, baby blue I think.
Student: What?! Yukon is in Connecticut?! I thought it was in Alaska!
Student #2: Oh good, I'm going to go to Connecticut University, I look good in baby blue.

Student 1: Uhh, Connecticut's not a state!
Student 2: Yes it is, it's the smallest state in the country!

Me: Can someone explain the big bang theory?
Girl: Oh, me! You know, how after World War II, when the soldiers came home and they started having tons of babies?
Me: Umm, that's the baby boom.

Me: Where is your family from, [student]?
Student: Northern Iraq.
Student #2: But you don't smell bad!
Student: That's because I'm half European too.

Student 1: I want to get my nose pierced.
Student 2: I want to get my cartilage pierced!
Student 3: I want to get my tooth pierced!...Wait, is that even possible? Okay, the space BETWEEN my teeth then!

???

("Island" is a solitary desk, not grouped with others like most desks are)

Me: [student], do you need to go sit at the island over there?
Student: YEAH! I want to go sit at Alcatraz! You can call me Al Capone!
Me: Uh, no. Pretty sure Al Capone escaped from Alcatraz. I don't want you escaping from that island.
Student: Okay, call it Guantanamo Bay!

Friend was observing today...

Student: Is that your husband?
Me: No.
Student: Is that your boyfriend?
Student #2: You can't have a boyfriend if you're married, that's illegal!
Student: Well not for SOME women!

Student: If you hold your thumb in front of your face, is it always bigger than the moon?
Me: Sure, because it's closer to your eyes.
Student: I learned that from Dear John.
Me: Oh, by Nicholas Sparks?
Student: Who?
Me: The author.
Student: No, it's a movie.
Me: But it was a book first--I'll bring it in for you, if you liked the movie you'll really like the book.
Student: I don't read. Reading's not really a "thing" for my generation.
Me: You just haven't found the right books yet--I think you'd like this one.
Student: Nahhh. Pretty sure the only way I'd read is if you made it illegal. Then I might want to.

We finished early yesterday, and had time to kill, so we played "2 truths and a lie" Some sample truths/lies below. Can you pick out the lie?

I ate 4 bags of chips yesterday.
I ate 2 bags in civics class.
I don't like civics class.

I want to be a photographer.
I rode a tiger, camel, and elephant (whole class: "What's a tigercamelandelephant?")
I am not a people person (says my queen bee who would run the class if I let her)

I am afraid of cats.
I can't whistle.
I once lived with 24 people at one time.
(At this point the whole class started shouting that #3 must be true because the girl was Mexican, and that's "how Mexicans roll")

Student: Do you want to have kids?
Me: No, not really.
Student: Whoa...I'm going to have kids before you do!
Student 2 (male): Oh yeah? Well I'm going to have kids before both of you! I'm going to be on 16 and pregnant! (afterthought) As the father!

Student: Are you married?
Me: Yup.
Student: So what's your real name?

Student: Whoa...are you a magician on the side? How do you do these problems so fast?

Student: Aww, how sad. Look at Mrs. S's pathetic tree.
Me: It's the Charlie Brown tree.
Student 2: But it only has 1 ornament.
Student 3: And there's no presents!
Student 1: Don't worry Ms. S, we'll fix it for you.



(My "presents" include my mouse, an origami box, and a paper crane. I have a star made out of a post it note, and my ornament was wrapped up in tissues and hidden in the pencil bucket. The tape dispenser was decorated and attached to the tree)

The best part is it's just like the Charlie Brown movie--which I'm pretty sure none of them have ever seen :)

Student: Mrs. S, what do you want for Christmas?
Me: I was a nice, well behaved [student's first name] in my class who does his homework.
Student: Okay, I'll go ask the counselor to see if [other child with the same first name] can transfer into your class. I'm not sure I could handle that responsibility.

Student: Ugh, we're taking a test today?
Me: Yup.
Student: Can I go out in the hallway now?
Me: No.
Student: Why not? You're just going to kick me out in a few minutes for being obnoxious anyway. I'll save you the trouble.

Me: [student 1], go outside. Enough disrupting the class.
*student 1 picks up his stuff and trudges outside to finish his test*
Student 2: Ooooooooh...the walk of shame!

Student: When are you going to bring in your husband, Ms. S?
Me: I dunno, he's scared to come in.
Student: What!? Why is he scared of us?
Me: Well, 150 8th graders is pretty intimidating.
Student: But isn't he in the military?
Me: No, he designs computer systems for the military.
Student: Wait--so he works with the toughest people in the whole world, and he's afraid of a bunch of kids!? No offense, your husband is crazy.

We were watching Slope Dude for the zillionth time today, and I must have made a face...

Student: You really hate this video, don't you, Ms. S?
Me: Yeah. (Side note: I don't--I love it, because the kids actually remember the difference between 0 slope and undefined slope, but they like things better when I say they're dumb)
Student: What if you went home tonight and found out...YOUR HUSBAND was the guy who made that video?
Me: Uh--
Student 2: You'd divorce him!
Student 3: You'd run away with someone else!
Student 4: Nah, Ms. S isn't like that.

Student: Can you please tell me when the heck we're ever going to use this?
Me: Sure. Suppose you have a job where--
Student: Ugh, no, not a job example. I'm not going to have a job. That's lame.

Solving a word problem...

Me: So the refund amount varies directly to the number of cans you recycle.
Student: What do you mean?
Me: You know, like when you turn in a can, you get a few cents back. I don't know if they do it in Virginia. I know in California they did.
Student 2: You're from California?
Me: Yeah, but back to math...
Student 2: I KNEW you looked like a Cali girl.
Student 3: Nuh-uh, she's way too pale.

We were solving problems on mini white boards yesterday, then holding them up so I could evaluate right away. We'd been doing it for a good 20 minutes straight, so I wanted to give them a break.

Me: Okay, brain break. Draw the item that is on top of your wishlist for Santa right now--try to see if your partner can guess what it is.
Student board: "DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER"

Student: ...and then my mom picked out this card to give to her boyfriend that said "go ape sheet" on it. Get it?! It's so funny! She picked it out for me to sign and give to him.
Me: Your mom picked out a card for you to give to your boyfriend?
Student: What!? That's SO weird Mrs. S. It was for HER boyfriend, duh.

Student: F*** that, piece of s*** (etc, etc)
Me: EXCUSE ME?
Student: Oh, it's okay Ms. S--it's just song lyrics.
Me: I don't care what it is, it's not appropriate language.
Student: Oh no, my mom says I can cuss as long as it's just song lyrics.
Me: I don't care what your mom says. You are not in your mother's house. You're in my classroom. That language is not appropriate for my classroom.
Student: Ugh, not like you don't cuss all the time.
Me: I don't.
Student: You don't? Awww, Ms. S, you're so cute! How old are you? Like, 20? Maybe when I'm 20 I won't cuss anymore either. That's a good goal.

Student: Are you Asian?
Me: Do I look Asian?
Student: No, not really.
Me: Correct. I'm not Asian.
Student: So why did you suddenly decide to become a math teacher?
Me: Are you saying only Asians are allowed to become math teachers?
Student: Well no...but to be a good math teacher, yes.
Me: So you're calling me a bad math teacher?
Student: Well no...maybe mediocre. But you're getting better.

Student: I wish I had invisible clothes so I could sneak around and no one would see me.
Me: You need Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.
Student: Yeah, but that sucked because if you put your arm out, they could see your arm. I need an invisibility snuggy.

Student: How long have you been teaching?
Me: *raised eyebrows* Is that really relevant?
Student: Is this your first year?
Me: Are you just now figuring that out?
Student: Wait, like your first year EVER?
Me: And you're just now figuring that out?
Student: Wow, I thought you had experience somewhere else.
Student 2: Yeah, like in college.
Student 3: Or at Hogwarts.
Student: I was going to say NoVA, but Hogwarts is good too.

We were taking a quiz on "clickers" (the little remote things) that display each student's name when they buzz in. The kids like it, I like it (data's readily available), all is well. Mostly.

Student 1: *solves problem and answers*
Student 2: HEY! That's not fair! [Student 1] is faster than me, and I'm not even trying--I'm just randomly guessing!

(This is actually passport boy's, come to think of it. Guess he didn't feel like graphing the author's dog)

During silent reading time, a kid got real excited about the "recipe" he found in his book. He read it out loud to me...

Student: "2 handles...4 large 'hellos' (oh Spanish accent...)...brownies..."
Me: Uh, I'll take that, thank you.

I wish I could say I confiscated this, but he handed it right to me and said he needed to leave class on important business.
"Rico Swavay"
"Pasport"
"Sex: Unknown"
"Age: 3,000,000,000" (hey, he got the commas in the right spot)
"Hobby: Collecting candy"

Student: I like your shirt, where did you get it?
Me: Uh, The Limited I think.
Student: I like the flowers.
Me: Thanks, I'm a sucker for anything with flowers or bows.
(blonde) Student: You are SO white, Mrs. S.

Student: Can you do my homework for me?
Me: No, sorry.
Student: Maybe THIS *pulls out a quarter* will change your mind?
Me: Hrm...no thanks.
Student: I hate expensive women.

Student 1: Were you a straight A student, Mrs. S?
Student 2: Don't answer that! You know you have to lie! It's like, in your contract!
Me: What do you mean?
Student 2: You know, you have to tell us you were a perfect student to like, motivate us. Kind of like when you tell me I "could be doing better". We all know it's a lie, but you have to say it anyway. It's your job.

This unit got crammed together and rushed due to a holiday and inservice days and tons of absences and such, so for the test today we allowed kids to write a half page "cheat sheet" of notes to use.

One boy stayed after school yesterday, working with one of the other algebra teachers to come up with all the information he needed for his notes page. Today, he walks into my classroom with a paper that has half a sentence on it.

Me: [student], where are the rest of your notes?
Student: That's it, that's all of them.
Me: But I thought you and [other teacher] figured out all the stuff you needed yesterday.
Student: Yeah, we did, but...well...you're not going to believe this...a monkey erased all of it.

*sigh*

Considering only 5/60 kids so far even made an attempt at the notes page, he's sadly ahead of the game.

Student: What are you going to do without us next year, Ms. S?
Student #2: Probably kill herself.
Me: Excuse me?
Student #2: I mean, kill yourself metaphorically.

Student 1: There are a lot of rumors about you.
Student 2: Yeah, I heard that 5th period makes you cry.
Student 3: I heard you're getting fired.
Student 4: I heard you bank with Wells Fargo.

Me: Guys! I said stop talking! I really can't deal with it anymore!
Student: You should take a bath, Ms. S.
Me: Or you guys could just stop talking.
Student: Oh come on now, that's pretty unlikely.
Me: You think that a bath is more likely than quiet for the rest of this period?
Student: To be perfectly honest, yes. And probably it should involve bubbles. You seem REALLY stressed.

I was having a ROUGH day yesterday in 7th period. The kids wouldn't stop talking, I had a splitting headache, and I was exhausted from averaging 5-6 hours of sleep all week. Finally I just closed my eyes and leaned against the board and tried to recollect myself, when I heard,

"Hello? Yes...my teacher...Mrs. S....she really needs a break"

I opened my eyes to see a boy miming talking into the phone.

"Yeah, she's really tired...2 weeks in the bahamas...Pronto!...No! I said Katie Perry, not Kelly Clarkson! Gosh!"

On the board: "your ugly"

Student: Ms. S--someone wrote something bad on your board!
Me: You're right, let me fix it. "You're ugly". That's better.

Student: I performed a magic trick last night, and my homework disappeared!
Me: That's a bad magic trick.

In the middle of a lesson on domain/range in functions...

Me: Any questions?
Student: Who came first, Adam or Eve?
Me: Let me rephrase, any relevant questions?
Student: No, seriously--who was first? Was it Adam? Because boys are x, and girls are y. Adam is first, so x is first, so x is domain.

Wow.

Today we were learning about functions. I introduced the concept of "For every input there must only be 1 output" or "Every x maps to exactly 1 y". Suddenly, a girl pipes up.

Student: No cheaters!
Me: Huh?
Student: You know...the x's can't be with more than one y.
Me: Oh, okay. Yeah, no cheating x's. Every x can only have one "y" girl friend.
Student #2: Can y's have more than 1 x?
Me: Yup, that's okay. We're only worried about x's having 1 y.
Student #3 (girl): That's because girls are allowed to have more than one boyfriend. Boys just can't have more than 1 girlfriend. I think I'm going to like this unit.

"Aww, Ms. S--do we have to move? I just moved across the country, and now you're going to make me move across the classroom too?"

Student: Ms. S, do you like (other student's) hair down?
Me: Yeah, it's pretty.
Student: You're lying.
Me: No I'm not. Look at me, I wear my hair down every day.
Student: No, I remember one time, you wore it up, and you also wore a blue North Face. I remember, because blue is my favorite color, and one day I dream of owning a North Face. You're basically living my dream.

Somehow we got into telling jokes today. I'm not really sure how that happened. Selected student samples:

What happens when a monkey eats invisible bananas? They have invisible farts.
What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing--fruit can't talk.
What's the capital of Montana? SQUIRREL!

Student: Hey, Mrs. S--you should totally start teaching like the dog in Up. You know, "X equals negative---SQUIRREL!!!"

Me: Guys, I have tried everything with you to get you to stop talking. I've given you a grade, bribed you with candy, offered to play bingo...and still you won't stop talking. I give up! I have no more ideas!
Student: I have an idea.
Me: What is it?
Student: Duct tape.
Student #2: Oh yeah, my soccer coach uses that.

We have casual Fridays. Yesterday I wore my North Face fleece. I have never had so many kids talk to me. Kids who haven't said 2 words ALL YEAR commented on my jacket.

"Nice North Face"
"Whoa, you have a North Face?"
"Mrs. S is "swag", look at her north face!"
"I like your North Face"
"How much did your North Face cost?"
"If I do my homework, can I have your north face?"
"Can I wear your North Face?" "No." "Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I promise I won't be bad today."

If only I were rich enough to bribe them all with jackets, apparently.

Student from my regular level math class is struggling to solve literal equations.
Me: Okay, if we're solving 2AB = C for A, what does that mean?
Student: Get A all by itself.
Me: Yep, so how are you going to do that?
Student: Subtract 2.
Me: We need to do the opposite of whatever is going on.
Student: Yeah, so minus the 2!
Me: But when variables and constants are smooshed together, what operation is that?
Student: Times.
Me: Okay, so if we're multiplying, how do we undo it?
Student: Divide.
Me: Good, so what are we going to do first?
Student: Minus 2.
(continues for a while until we finally reach a consensus)
Student: I really think I need to be in honors. It sounds a lot easier than this.

I held a remediation session after school today. We played "review basketball". Unfortunately, I kind of ran out of steam with 15 minutes still left in our 90 minute review (and the kids did too). They found the white board pens.


"Mrs. Schutz's day before 5th & 7th period" (happy flowers)
"Mrs. Schutz's day after 5th & 7th period" (dead flowers)
(written by one of my 7th period students)

I'm not sure who wrote this one, but I'm guessing it's another 5th or 7th period student...

A good reminder that I need to try harder to be patient and make the best of the situation at hand--apparently my frustration is showing too much.

Student: Ms. S, you forgot to do blah blah blah in that powerpoint
Me: Oh crud, you're right. Guess that's what happens when you make them at midnight.
Student: You made this at midnight?
Me: Yeah.
Student: GUYS! Ms. S was up late last night, I vote we cancel class so she can take a nap. Who's with me?

I am at a total loss of what to do with my 5th period class. It's a disaster--I have to yell at them daily to get them to keep their mouths shut longer than 10 seconds--and that's not an exaggeration. In an act of desperation, I bought one of these and one of these from the dollar aisle at Target on Friday. Actually, they came from the two-dollar and fifty cent aisle, but that's neither here nor there.

Today, I couldn't have planned it better. A boy walked into class wearing this:



I pulled out my turkey hats. His eyes lit up.

Student: Ms. S, we can wear hats in here!?
Me: Sorry dude, it's against school rules. Put the polar bear away. (Girls are crawling all over him trying to take it from him)
Student: But Ms. S!!!!
Me: Here's the deal guys. The best behaved student tomorrow gets their pick of turkey hats.
*Excited chaos ensues*

We'll see how it goes. On my way out the door, one of my most astute students commented to me:

"Nice bribe, Ms. S"

Why, thank you.

Student was late to homeroom. He sauntered in, very confidently.

Me: You're late.
Student: Nuh-uh, I have a pass! Look! *hands me his agenda*
Me: What are these initials?
Student: I dunno.
Me: Well who signed your pass?
Student: I dunno.
Me: *reads a little closer* It says "DM". Who's "DM"?
Student: Me.
Me: You signed your own pass?
Student: Yeah, 'cause I knew I was going to be late.

Nice try.

So we're learning to solve equations using the distributive property in class. You remember:

a(b+c) = ab+bc

Apparently one of the 7th grade teacher helps kids remember it by calling the number outside the parentheses the "mama", and the numbers inside the "babies". The mama has to "kiss the babies". Someone brought that up in class today, and one boy was not happy with it.

Student: Mama and babies? That's lame.
Me: Okay, call it whatever you want. I don't care what you call it, I just care that you get the right answer.
Student: I'm going to call it "The girl kisses the boys".
Me: Wouldn't you rather "The boy kisses the girls"?
Student: Oh come on. I'm not a player, Mrs. S.

Later...

Me: Okay, now which value do we distribute?
Student: The girl! WAIT--I don't want to distribute the girl--that's gross!

Me: Okay, so we need to come up with some symbols to represent numbers. (student), what do you want to use as a symbol?
Student: *blank stare*
Me: Like, a star or a dot or something.
Student: OK, how about a heart?
Student 2: WITH SR IN IT, FOR "SOVIET RUSSIA"!

Student: In Soviet Russia, eraser erases YOU.

Student: Did you know that in Russia, (other student) eats babies for breakfast?

In order to teach the distributive property today, we sang a song I found online. It was to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree":

Distribute me, distribute me
Across the whole parentheses
Distribute me, distribute me
Just multiply each term you see

(and so forth)

The kids loved it. A little too much.

Student: OMG MISS S--WE NEED TO GO CHRISTMAS CAROLING NOW!
Student 2: YEAH! LET'S GO SING IT TO THE MATH CLASS NEXT DOOR! (who happened to be taking a test and did not appreciate the noise from my room...oops)

Hah--I need to see if I can't come up with a bunch of math Christmas carols and let the kids who want to go caroling. I think that would be super cute. Or better yet, have the kiddos write the songs themselves.

We have a homeroom 4 days a week that is just 30 minutes of silent reading time. The kids are supposed to pick out novels of their choosing, and it's a half hour of "read whatever you want". I would have eaten that up as a kid--but not my students.

Student: I need something to read. Can I go next door?
Me: What do you need to get from next door that you can't find in my classroom?
Student: A girl's phone number.
Me: No--you can't read a phone number.
Student: Oh trust me, Ms. S--I would read that alllllll period long!

Girl 1: Ms. S, Ms. S--do you know what they call hard work in Russia?
Me: Huh?
Girl 1: (in a Russian accent) In Russia, they call hard work "vodka"
Me: Where did this come from?
Girl 2: Oh, (other girl) really wants to go to Russia. She has all kinds of Russian quotes.
Me: Really?
Girl 1: Yeah, she wants to go to Soviet Russia.
Me: Too bad Soviet Russia doesn't exist anymore.
Girls: WHAT?!
Me: Uh, yeah...the Soviet Union was disbanded in like...1992 or something.
Girls: OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL (other girl) TOMORROW IN MATH CLASS! THAT'S GOING TO BE SO FUNNY! SHE'S GOING TO BE SO SHOCKED IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Student 1: May I use the restroom?
Me: Sure, give me your agenda (hall pass) to sign.
Student 1: Whoa, this is the first time I've gone to the bathroom in this class all year!
Student 2: Oh yeah? Well I haven't gone to the bathroom at SCHOOL all year!
Student 1: Oh. I couldn't do that.
Student 2: Yeah, I have really strong bladder muscles.

Oh the things a 13 year old is proud of...

I team teach a special ed inclusion class one of my periods. The class is split pretty much 50/50 between SpEd and GenEd kids, so there are two teachers in the room. My coteacher has been at this game for 20+ years, so she's got the no-nonsense bit down pat. This particular day, she was shuffling across the classroom to go deal with a boy who was making weird noises and trying to get his classmates' attention.

Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, we are taking a test, it needs to be quiet in here! *walks directly behind the child*
Boy: *fart noise* *shocked face* Mrs. (teacher)!!!

The whole class erupted in giggles. I followed suit. Because, seriously....it was funny. But then the kids noticed I was laughing, and that just made them laugh harder. Oh well.

Selected answers:

I am most successful at math when...

• we are doing shapes
• it is taught the right way
  

• we are doing anything but shapes
• something is confusing
  

• I'm hyper when not sick
• I love math. My dad makes sure of it.
• When I look like I'm not paying attention to you, I am listening. Unless I'm reading a book.
• Sometimes I zone out. Sorry in advance.
• I like to eat cookie dough and I am in love with Justin Bieber.
• I have a phobia of the color orange
  

We were playing "Life with the Wright Family" in homeroom this week. (Story here. Students stand in a circle with a pencil in their hand. Every time I say "Right" they move it to the right. Left, they move it to the left. Goofy and fun)

Me: The Wright family now bundled up the children, Tommy Wright, Susan Wright, Timmy Wright, and Shelly Wright--
Student: DAMN, these guys are poppin' out babies like rabbits! Stop reproducing!!!!

Student: Can you do this problem for me?
Me: Nope, sorry--but I can help you understand it.
Student: But why don't you just do it for me?
Me: Because I won't be there for the rest of your life to solve your problems for you.
Student: But you could be!
Me: You'd have to pay me a lot of money to make me quit my job to be your personal mathematician.
Student: Not that much money. Teachers hardly make anything.

Student: Are you from England? Because you look really English.

I'm not really sure what that means, to be honest...

Me: Okay guys, I'd like you to tell me your name, and any nickname you'd like to be called this week.
Student: My name is [name], but you can call me "the bomb".

Me: You all have a paper in front of you titled "Calculating Geometric Volume". So who can tell me something about "volume"?
Student: It's the button on your remote.

Student: I thought your name was Rachel. No offense, but in my experience most white people have Rachel in their name.
Me: Well, Rachel is traditionally a Jewish name, so a lot of times Rachels are light skinned.
Student: Ohhhh we learned about Jewish people!
Me: Yeah? What did you learn?
Student: You know, about how the king of the Nazis was named Hit-man and all that stuff.

Student: Mrs. S, you dress so much nicer than all the other teachers. No offense to them, of course, but your outfits have so much more...pizazz than the other teachers.

I love middle school.

Student #1: My neighbor's dog is annoying. She stares all day at my dog and really bothers him. I think it's because she's like, 7 years old and my dog is only 1.
Student #2: Your neighbor has a cougar dog.

Student: Ms. S, did you drink beer at your wedding?
Me: Yeah, I think so.
Student: You did?!?! I didn't know teachers could drink beer!!!

Student: As they say in Belgium, "AREBA!" (tips back her head and swallows her fruit cup like a shot)

Student #1: Ms. S, can I have your husband's phone number?
Me: Excuse me?!
Student #1: I need him to fix my computer!
Student #2: Yeah, surrrrrrre.
Student #1: Ew, not like that! I'm too young! My mom would send me to Bolivia!
Student #3: Mrs. S, this is a random question--is your husband married?
Me: Uh, yeah...to me.
Student #2: That's what you think! Are you sure he's not married to [student #1]?

Students were waiting to come into my room at lunch...

Student #1: Ms. S, where were you?!
Me: I was microwaving my lunch.
Student #2: She's not your wife, she doesn't have to tell you where she was.
Student #3: This is the 21st century, women can microwave their own lunches without having to explain themselves.

Student #1: Mrs. S, I saw the school play last night!
Me: Oh yeah? Awesome!
Student #2: Mrs. S, I saw a dead deer last night!

Student: Excuse me, Miss--may I borrow a pencil?
Me: [student], you ask to borrow a pencil every day. Why don't you have one?
Student: I have a pen...
Me: Okay, trade me your pen for a pencil for the period.
Student: Actually, I think I left my pen in my locker.
Me: So you have no writing utensils?
Student: No.
Me: Okay, give me something else in exchange for a pencil.
Student: You can have my homework.
Me: No, I want your bracelet. (A visual of this stellar accessory can be found here)
Student: No! Not my boobie bracelet!
Me: If you want a pencil, give me your bracelet.
Student: But...what if you forget to trade back? A pencil is only worth like, a dollar, and that bracelet is worth five dollars!
Me: I won't forget. (How could I?) Here, here's a pencil.
Student: Uhhh....Miss? Can I have a mechanical pencil? I don't really like this one. I prefer the lead kind.

Student: Mrs. S! I saw [other student] in a major tongue wrestling competition yesterday!

Students were doing a "stations" activity, rotating around the room.

Me: Okay [student], you're finished with the one, go to the next station.
Student: [30 seconds later] I'm done, can you check my answers?
Me: There's no way you solved 3 problems in 30 seconds.
Student: I admired a lot of other papers.

I was in a car accident on the way to work this morning (yay). I walked in halfway through 1st period.

Co-teacher: "Mrs. S, who had an interesting morning, will pass out your papers"
Student: Are you sure she didn't get (air quotes) "stuck in traffic"?

Male Student: Ms. S, Ms. S, my baby was born today!
Me: o.O ???????
Male Student: My mom had my baby brother!
*wave of relief*

Student: Mrs. S, I have a question I've always wondered about.
Me: What's that?
Student: How do whales have babies? I mean, I know how human babies happen--don't ask--but where do whale babies come from?

Student 1: *making weird noises from the front of the class*
Student 2: HEY, [student 1], stop making annoying noises! That's MY job!

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Me: Sure, here you go.
Student: Can I also borrow a belt? I lost mine yesterday, and my pants won't stay up.

I taught a math remediation class tonight after school. I had a bunch of students who aren't in my daily classes, so I was meeting them for the first time.

Me: What's your name?
Student: Katie.
Me: Okay Katie, come on up here and do this problem.
Student: I don't know any Katies, my name's Katherine.
Me: Katherine, come up here.
Student: Who's Katherine?
Me: Okay, you have one shot to tell me what you want to be called for the rest of the program. Ready, go:
Student 1: Katie.
Student 2: Carlos.
Student 3: Pickle!

I really did call him Pickle for the rest of the day. 3 hours is a long time to refer to a child as "Pickle" without bursting into giggles.

Student: Mrs. S, if I get an A on this [really important, district mandated standardized] test, can we go to lunch?
Me: Absolutely. That's a great idea.
Student: Tight! I invite, you buy. That's how this sucka rolls!

(Too bad the highest grade in the whole 6th grade so far is a 76%...)

Teacher: What do you say to members of the community who say the students here are too solely focused on academics?

High School Student: I think they'd be shocked to see all the extra curriculars students are involved in here. We have tons of clubs and sports teams--and the teams are good! We have championship track, cross country, and soccer teams. We do suck at football though--'cause let's be honest, smart people tend to be undersized.

What are the steps to a successful life? (selected student answers)

-be born
-be potty trained
-get a lot of friends and girlfriends
-get laid
-go to high school and get more friends and girls
-go to college for 6 or so years
-get married to a hot girl and have kids
-turn 60 and get paid for doing nothing
-die

Reflection question: How do you think your team did during the mystery disease project?

Student 1: I think my team was a piece of goodness.
Student 2: I think my team did good (considering who's on it)
Student 3: We did pretty good (other than we killed all our patients)
Student 4: I think we did fine dispiet [sic] the fact some anaunumas... [sic] people never did as they were told and just back talked the whole time.

Student: Mrs. S, I need help.
Me: What's your question?
Student: I need help on #4.
Me: Okay, what's your question?
Student: I don't get it.
Me: That's not a question.
Student: Can you help me with #4?
Me: Sure, what's your question?
Student: I don't know how to do #4.
Me: I'm sorry, that must be frustrating.
Student: I'll just ask Mr. H instead.

Student: What does "triangle" mean?
Me: Well, "tri" means three, and angle means--
Student: Sides!

Student: Mrs. S, they should have a Mrs. S festival.
Me: What would they do at a "Mrs. S festival"?
Student: It would be a giant carnival.
Me: Sounds fun!
Student: Yeah, it would be called the "Mrs. S-estival!"
Me: You plan it, I'll be there.

Reason #23746 why I am better suited for middle school than corporate America: Using animations in powerpoint is encouraged in 6th grade.

Student: Mrs. S, is it true the world is ending in 2012?
Me: Not as far as I know...but if it is, you'd better hurry up and do all the fun stuff you've always wanted to do before next year.
Student: Oh my god, I have to find me a wife and get... married!!!

Student: I don't have a pencil.
Me: I'm sorry.
Student: I DON'T HAVE A PENCIL!
Me: Would you like to rephrase that into something more useful?
Student: I REALLY DON'T HAVE A PENCIL!

Student: Mrs. S, did you always want to teach 6th grade?
Me: Actually, I'm going to tell you a secret. I really didn't want to teach 6th grade. I'm glad I'm here now though--I'm having fun with you guys.
Student: I -totally- understand. I was scared to come to 6th grade too. 6th graders can be really immature and hard to handle....

Student: Do you watch Jersey Shore?
Me: Yeah, my husband loves that show.
Student 1: OHMYGODYOU'REMARRIED?! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE OLD!
Student 2: Oh yeah? Well I'm going to marry Pauly D. He's my future husband. Too bad you're married, you can't have him now, he's all mine.

*students are lining up in a mass mob at the door to leave class*
Me: Not yet...!
Student: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!