Tales from a Middle School Jungle

"Ohmygod you guys, do you know what my mom did to me? She bought JEGGINGS. And then she told me she was going to wear them to SCHOOL to pick me up. Ohmygod, if she does that, I will never show my face in school again. In fact, I'll get a nose job."

Student: That field trip was stupid!
Me: Aww, poor baby. They didn't let you have a wife?
Student: Nah, I had a wife! I had a good life! 25, married, and no kids!
Me: Hey, just like me.
Student: Except I made waaaay more money than you do!

We went on a field trip today to some facility where kids could practice their budgeting skills. They were each handed a "life situation" card, detailing their salary, marital status, and number of children.

Boy: Oh my God, I'm 25 and I'm married?
Girl: Oh my God, I'm 29 and I'm not married?

Student: I wish you had married your high school boyfriend.
Me: What? Why?
Student: Because then I could have your husband! ZING! He's cute!

I had sent a student outside for back talking and disrupting class. He spends time outside a lot.

Me: Do you understand that when you do that, it really hurts my feelings?
Student: It does? What? Oh, I'm sorry Ms. S, I didn't know that. *Thinks* I didn't know teachers had feeling.

Student: What does "Personal Choice" mean?
Me: It means you can donate as much or as little money as you want to charity--there's no set percent.
Student: I'm going to donate $1.
Me: Uh...your net 'salary' is $5800/month, and you're only donating $1/month to charity?
Student: What? That's like, $12 per year. If I do it for 80 years, that's...$960! That's a lot of money! They'll start calling me "Oprah Man"!

We were doing riddles today. "26 L in the A" becomes "26 Letters in the Alphabet", "7 W of the W" is "7 Wonders of the World". All was going mighty fine, until...

"8 T on an O"

"EIGHT TESTICLES ON AN OCTOPUS!!!!"

Sometimes their vocabulary slip ups are quite unfortunate.

Student: Do I have to buy "Internet" and "Cable"?
Me: No, choose 1 or both.
Student: I'll choose internet. All the good stuff's online. *wink*

Student: I'm done.
Me: No you aren't. You only purchased a car and paid rent. You didn't buy cable or internet, new clothes, a cell phone, or groceries.
Student: I don't need to pay for groceries.
Me: You're going to eat your car?
Student: No, I'm going to drive to the food bank. See, I didn't fill in "pay check" either.
Me: You're going to drive to the food bank in your Lexus?
Student: Eh, I'll park it around the corner and walk the last block.

Student: When are you going on the field trip, Ms. S?
Me: Thursday.
Student: Oh boy! We're going to show you a good time!...WAIT. NOT LIKE THAT.

Student: *unintelligible gibberish*
Me: I'm sorry, can you repeat that? That made no sense.
Student: Oh. Never mind. I was trying to say something dumb but sound really smart.

Student: *sing-songy* Ms. S...I have the form...for the club!
Me: Oh yeah? Did you decide what the club is going to be for?
Student: Oh yes. KARAOKE CLUB!
Me: *busts out laughing* You know I don't sing, right?
Student: Oh there's so much more to Karaoke Club than singing! There's dancing (not break dancing), and poetry, and music, and so. much. more!

My Mondays will never be the same again...

Student: What was your name before you were married?
Me: [maiden name]
Student: Can I call you [maiden name]?
Me: Please don't, that hasn't been my name for almost 4 years.
Student: You've been married 4 years? And you don't have any kids yet? What's wrong with you? Do you even want kids?
Me: Not really, no.
Student: Wow, Ms. S--not cool. You are so not cool anymore.
Me: I didn't know I ever was cool.
Student: Uh, I don't know if you realize, but you just dissed yourself. Hard. *pauses* Seriously Ms. S, aren't you concerned about repopulating the earth?

Student: *beckons*
Me: What's up?
Student: I'm going to start a club!
Me: Oh yeah? What's it about?
Student: I don't know yet.
Me: That's okay, you'll figure it out.
Student: And you're going to be the sponsor!

Back story: Thursday night, my dog got out of the yard (surprise) and I spent the evening trying to track her back down. I finally found her, having cornered a squirrel halfway up a tree. Sadly, she had managed to injure the poor critter, and it's shoulder/arm was seriously mauled, to the point where it couldn't climb anymore. I was traumatized, and shared the story with my first period the next day.

Student: Hey, I have a riddle! What has 1 foot on one end, one foot on the other end, and a third foot in the middle?
Me: I don't know, what?
Student: A yard stick!
Student #2: Or the squirrel from last night.

Touche.

Student: Ohmygod, it's Jersey Shore day!
Me: I can't believe you watch that.
Student: What? It's just real life.
Me: Uhh, I don't know what kind of life you're living, but that's not real life.
Student: Well yeah, not for a 13 year old...but for their age it is.
Me: I got news for you. I'm their age, and that's not real life.
Student: Well sure, not for you! You're a teacher, your life is boring!
Me: You realize they're like, 30, right?
Student: Yeah, Mike is ooooooold. He's like, 45!
Me: I really can't believe your parents let you watch that.
Student: Eh, my mom's kind of bipolar about it. One day she'll be like, "You should stop watching that," and then the next day she'll ask, "So, what happened on Jersey Shore last night?"

I dragged my husband to the middle school musical over the weekend, so a bunch of my kiddos met him. Thus sparked immense interest in my marriage. Also in the middle of math discussion...

Student: Ms. S, your husband is attractive.
Me: Oookay, moving on.
Student #2: [student 1], do you mean he has nice cheek bones?
Student #3: What's your husband's name?
Me: Let's get back to math.
Student #3: Is it Harry? Because when I think of Harry, I think of a fat old man with lots of hair.
Student #4: That's strange--I think of Harry Potter.

In the middle of discussing inequalities...

Student: Ms. S, I have something really important to tell you.
Me: Okay, what is it?
Student: No, I'll tell you later.
Me: Well, if it's important, let's discuss it now.
Student: Well, it's not really math related.
Me: Okay, later then.
*30 seconds later*
Student: OhmygodIcan'twaitanylonger! Forever21 is closing at the mall!!!