Tales from a Middle School Jungle

"Oooh, it's almost Valentines day? Man, I wish I had a husband. I wish I was done with school, and had a job, and a husband...and I'd do this *snaps* and he'd go away. And then I'd do this *claps* and he'd come back. I'd just snap all the time."

Student 1: Do you feel old, Ms. S, talking about tv shows we've never heard of?
Me: I guess...I mean, I've never thought about myself as old, but I'm twice as old as you are.
Student 2: Whoa, really? I thought you were at least in your 30's!
Student 3: I had her pegged for 18!
Student 4: I figured you were 11, and you were like the Doogie Howser of teaching.

Community service for 8th graders was due today. They needed 5 hours over the course of the semester. Not surprisingly, many of the kids were an hour (or 2, or 4) short.

1st block:
"Mrs. S, do you have any community service I could do for you?" "When?" "I was thinking during class."
2nd block: "Mrs. S, I'm still short an hour of community service." "Oh, that sucks--should have planned better." "Well, I was thinking...maybe you could like, advance me a service hour? I'll pay you back next week."
3rd block: "Ms. S, I have a proposition for you. If I'm quiet for 30 minutes and don't disrupt anyone, you'll give me 30 minutes of community service." "Yeah, no." (halfway through the period) "You're really regretting turning down that deal, aren't you?"

Two boys were Harry Potter spell-ing each other across the classroom using pencils as wands.

Student 1: PROTEGO! *pew!*
Student 2: PROTEGO! *pew!*
Student 1: AHHHHH *falls down*
Me: Alright, Harry Potter needs to go away. [Student 1] you need to get up and get back to work.
Student 1: Ooookay. Wingardium, leviosa! *stands up*
Student 3: Ms. S, can we turn off the lights?
Me: But then you won't be able to see to do your work.
Student 3: No, just wait until I say "LUMOS!" and then you turn them back on all sneaky.

Me: Okay, so for a compound inequality with "and", the solution needs to satisfy both parts of the inequality.
Student: Heh heh, satisfy both parts.
Me: So let's look at this inequality. "x" is stuck between -2 and 5.
Student: Heh heh, stuck between.
Me: The pointy part of the inequality is facing towards -2, so what does that mean?
Student: Heh heh, pointy part.
Me: Remember how in first grade you learned that the inequality is an alligator that eats the bigger number?
Student: Heh heh, eats the other one.
Me: DO I NEED TO SEND YOU BACK TO HEALTH CLASS? YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE SOME REPRESSED COMMENTARY.

Me: Have you ever been to a restaurant that was closed for a private party? You know, so that you couldn't get in unless you were invited?
Student: Oh, yeah! [local strip club] has signs on the door all the time that say closed for private party!
Me: Okay, let's keep it appropriate.
Student: What? It's a restaurant! It says $5.99 steaks right on the door!
Student #2: What's so funny? I don't get it--it's just a wine store, my dad's taken me there before.
Me: MOVING ON...

Student: Ohmygod, my brain is just shut off.
Me: What do you mean?
Student: You know, with school almost being over and all--I'm just done with this.
Me: Uhh, it's the end of 2nd quarter. We're just barely halfway.
Student: Yeah, exactly. Almost done. I mean really, you don't do anything at the end of the year anyway.

Student: What's the identity property?
Me: Think about what you see when you look in the mirror.
Student 1: Oh, Jesus.
Student 2: Hah, ______ thinks he's Jesus.
Student: No, but my brother is the child of Satan.
Me: Do you realize what that would make your mother?
Student 1: Mother Theresa?
Student 2: Mary?
Student 3: Dead?
Student 1: Whatever, all I know is, I have come to replenish your sins.

"I'm going to name my children Sarah, and Annabelle, and Preston. Unless I marry a redneck, and then I'm naming my son Bentley."

Student #1: Whoa, your last name is ______? That's so cool! I wish I had a cool last name, like...
Student #2: da Vinci?
Student #1: Yeah, da Vinci! I'm going to marry Leonardo da Vinci so we can have babies named "Henry da Vinci".
Me: You're about 500 years too late.
Student #1: That's okay, I don't care.
Student #2: Or Leonardo DiCaprio
Student #1: Even better! That's so pretty! There will be Henry DiCaprio
Student #2: And Layla DiCaprio
Student #1: And Lindsey DiCaprio
Student #2: And Skylar DiCaprio
Student #1: Whoa, that's amazing. Skylar DiCaprio.
Me: Is there some significance to the name "Henry"?
Student #1: Yeah, ever since I was a little girl I've sworn to name my first child "Henry", no matter if it's a boy or a girl. Well, I hope it's not a girl. If it's a girl, I'd have to smack her.
Student #2: You know you can just change your last name? You don't actually have to get married?
Student #1: Eh, that's okay. This is all just pretend anyway. I'm going to marry Justin Beiber.

Dogs at the animal shelter.

Mean age: 4 years
Standard Deviation: 2 years

What is a...
Z-score of -1? 2 years old
Z-score of -2? 0 years old
Z-score of -3? FETUS PUPPY!

Me: Okay, who wants to be the teacher and come up here to explain how to do number 1?
Student: Me me me!
Me: Alrighty, here you go.
Student: DETENTION, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM! Okay, I'm done Mrs. S.

"I'm really mad that you switched me from 5th period to 2nd. I told my mom I still wanted to move back to 5th, and she said that the school won't move me because I haven't gotten in trouble lately and I used to get in trouble all the time in 5th period. So if I start being really mean to you, don't take it personally, okay? I just have to do what I have to do"

*passing out markers for grading a quiz*

Student: Do you have any skinny ones? I don't like the fat ones. *pause* I like my markers like I like my women!

Student: OMG IT'S SNOWING!!!
*everyone rushes to the little window to stare outside*
Me: Okay, okay...back to your seats guys.
Student #2: Aww, man! Mrs. S, you're killing the magic of childhood!
Me: Sorry guys, but we need to get this stuff done.
Student #3: GUYS! Let's pray for snow!
*student in Broncos jersey ducks into a Tebow position*
Student #4: Mrs. S--pray for us to not have to come to your class tomorrow!

Two students were bickering back and forth.

Student 1: Mrs. S, did you know [student 2] skates in the cold?
Student 2: So?! That's like saying, "Did you know [student 2] eats cereal with a spoon?
Student 3: Well, unless you're talking about [Asian student]. Pretty sure he'd eat cereal with chopsticks.

I had a stack of quiznos coupons on my desk.

Student: Ooh, can I have one?
Me: Uh, no.
Student: Why? You have, like 4!
Me: Guess I get to go to quiznos 4 times.
Student: UGH, fine. Serves you right, you're going to get fat.

Me: Does anyone know what this symbol is called? *crickets* It's the Greek letter, "sigma".
Student 1: That sounds like a disease.
Student 2: Yeah, "he died of sigmatary when he was stuck in math class for longer than 10 minutes"