Male Student: My butt hurts.
Me: ....
Student: Can I go get an ice pack? Do they make ice packs you can sit on?
Me: Uh...yeah, for women after they give birth.
Student #2: What if you gave birth to a narwhal? That horn would like, mutilate you on the way out.
Me: OKAY, LET'S GET BACK TO FACTORING--
Student #3: It would be like a natural c-section! It'd slice you open on the way out!
Me: POLYNOMIAL EXPRESSIONS. NO MORE BIRTHING TALK.

*later*
Student: Mrs. S--have you ever experienced when you're cutting paper with scissors, and it just slides all of a sudden and you aren't really cutting anymore?
Me: Yeah, that happens with wrapping paper all the time.
Student: THAT'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A NARWHAL!
Me: Please step outside...