Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: --and someone stole Ms. Z's wallet!
Me: Wait, what?  A student stole a teacher's wallet?
Student: Yeah, and it had $5000 in it!
Student #2: Nuh-uh, it was $5,000,000!
Me: That's sad...
Student: Yeah, seriously.  What's wrong with kids these days?

"I hate this class.  AHA, JUST KIDDING.  This is the best class ever.  Do we get to go graffiti the school again today?"

Students were playing skill building games on the computer...filling in holes like fractions, integer operations, etc.  Things were getting loud.

Me: HEY!  If you guys can't stay on task, we can't do things like this anymore.
Student: But we were on task!
Me: I'm sorry, arguing with the person next to you over who gets to name their character "Sexy beast" isn't "on task".
Student: That was only at the beginning, COME ON!

Me: Okay guys, tonight is back-to-school night.  Please remind your parents or guardians to attend!
Student: Do we have to come?
Me: No, only your parents.  You're not supposed to come.  If you're there, how can I talk about you?
Student: YOU TALK ABOUT US?!
Me: Sure--I tell your parents the kind of things we do in class, how you're doing, etc.
Student: OMG--HERE! *Pulls out $5* Please please please say nice things about me!

Student is playing with a bouncy ball.
Me: Okay, thanks, that's mine now.  You can come get it at the end of the day.
Student: But what if I promise to play discreetly?
Me: You can play after 3:00.  Until then, it's mine.
Student: Aww man, you know I'm going to forget to come get it!  You just wanted to steal my stuff!

Male student: Mrs. S, [other student]'s mom thinks I'm a girl, do you think I look like a girl?
Me: No.
Other student: It's the skinny jeans.
Male Student: BUT I DON'T HAVE BOOBS!!!!
Me: Moving on...

"Ugh, my knees hurt.  I'm so OLD!"

Student: OHMYGOD, Mrs. S, [student #2] said that 4 times 8 is 28, can I neck him?
Me: Can you what?
Student: Neck him.  You know, because he thought that 4 times 8 is 28.
Me: What do you mean, "neck him"?
Student: This: *karate chops the neck of the boy next to him*
Me: Ohhh...you guys realize "necking" is a word for making out, right?
Students eyes widen...
Student #2: OHMYGOD, can I please go wash my mouth out at the water fountain?!?!

Student: Can you sign this?
Me: What is it?
Student: I have a family thing so I'm going to be gone.
Me: For how long?
Student: 15 days.
Me: THREE WEEKS?!
Student: Yeah, am I going to miss anything while I'm gone?
Me: No, we aren't doing anything for the next three---oh, that was a serious question.
Student: So can you give me the papers I'm going to miss?
Me: When is your last day before you leave?
Student: Today.
Me: ....

Me: There is a flash of light, and a woman dies.  What happened?
Student 1: Did God speak to her?
Me: No.
Student 2: OMG, SHE WAS RAPTURED!!!
Me: No.
Student 3: Ohhhh, she was raped.
Me: WHAT THE HECK!?

"When I grow up, I want to be a potato."

When kids finish their work early, I have a whole shelf full of games for them to play.  Some are math related, others are a bit of a stretch (but teach focus or perseverance or other crucial skills...at least I justify it that way.)  One such stretch game is "Spot it".  The kids have to find what matches on the two cards.

One of the symbols is a yin yang.  A group of kids had this out Friday and were playing, and I hear "POKEBALL!" repeatedly being shouted.

Guess this game is going to help them with their vocabulary too.

Student: YES, we got new seats!
Me: Yep, find your name.
Student: AWW MAN, I'm in the front?
Me: Yes, right next to me.
Student: But I have to sit in the front for all my classes.
Me: Do you think that might be for a reason?
Student: Uhhhh...I guess so.  Can I change with [other student] so I can sit next to [best friend] instead?
Me: Yeah, no.

Student: Hi, I'm new.
Me: Oh, okay.  Whose class did you transfer from?
Student: No one's.
Me: So you're new to the school?
Student: Oh no, I was here last year.  I just took last week off.
Me: ...

Instructions: Please make a name card with the name or nickname you would like to be called this year.

We were trying to log into the computers this morning, and several students were having issues changing their passwords.  I finally asked one kid what he was trying to make it:  mathisreallycool

Aww....only in honors :)