Tales from a Middle School Jungle

So we're learning to solve equations using the distributive property in class. You remember:

a(b+c) = ab+bc

Apparently one of the 7th grade teacher helps kids remember it by calling the number outside the parentheses the "mama", and the numbers inside the "babies". The mama has to "kiss the babies". Someone brought that up in class today, and one boy was not happy with it.

Student: Mama and babies? That's lame.
Me: Okay, call it whatever you want. I don't care what you call it, I just care that you get the right answer.
Student: I'm going to call it "The girl kisses the boys".
Me: Wouldn't you rather "The boy kisses the girls"?
Student: Oh come on. I'm not a player, Mrs. S.

Later...

Me: Okay, now which value do we distribute?
Student: The girl! WAIT--I don't want to distribute the girl--that's gross!

Me: Okay, so we need to come up with some symbols to represent numbers. (student), what do you want to use as a symbol?
Student: *blank stare*
Me: Like, a star or a dot or something.
Student: OK, how about a heart?
Student 2: WITH SR IN IT, FOR "SOVIET RUSSIA"!

Student: In Soviet Russia, eraser erases YOU.

Student: Did you know that in Russia, (other student) eats babies for breakfast?

In order to teach the distributive property today, we sang a song I found online. It was to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree":

Distribute me, distribute me
Across the whole parentheses
Distribute me, distribute me
Just multiply each term you see

(and so forth)

The kids loved it. A little too much.

Student: OMG MISS S--WE NEED TO GO CHRISTMAS CAROLING NOW!
Student 2: YEAH! LET'S GO SING IT TO THE MATH CLASS NEXT DOOR! (who happened to be taking a test and did not appreciate the noise from my room...oops)

Hah--I need to see if I can't come up with a bunch of math Christmas carols and let the kids who want to go caroling. I think that would be super cute. Or better yet, have the kiddos write the songs themselves.

We have a homeroom 4 days a week that is just 30 minutes of silent reading time. The kids are supposed to pick out novels of their choosing, and it's a half hour of "read whatever you want". I would have eaten that up as a kid--but not my students.

Student: I need something to read. Can I go next door?
Me: What do you need to get from next door that you can't find in my classroom?
Student: A girl's phone number.
Me: No--you can't read a phone number.
Student: Oh trust me, Ms. S--I would read that alllllll period long!

Girl 1: Ms. S, Ms. S--do you know what they call hard work in Russia?
Me: Huh?
Girl 1: (in a Russian accent) In Russia, they call hard work "vodka"
Me: Where did this come from?
Girl 2: Oh, (other girl) really wants to go to Russia. She has all kinds of Russian quotes.
Me: Really?
Girl 1: Yeah, she wants to go to Soviet Russia.
Me: Too bad Soviet Russia doesn't exist anymore.
Girls: WHAT?!
Me: Uh, yeah...the Soviet Union was disbanded in like...1992 or something.
Girls: OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL (other girl) TOMORROW IN MATH CLASS! THAT'S GOING TO BE SO FUNNY! SHE'S GOING TO BE SO SHOCKED IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Student 1: May I use the restroom?
Me: Sure, give me your agenda (hall pass) to sign.
Student 1: Whoa, this is the first time I've gone to the bathroom in this class all year!
Student 2: Oh yeah? Well I haven't gone to the bathroom at SCHOOL all year!
Student 1: Oh. I couldn't do that.
Student 2: Yeah, I have really strong bladder muscles.

Oh the things a 13 year old is proud of...

I team teach a special ed inclusion class one of my periods. The class is split pretty much 50/50 between SpEd and GenEd kids, so there are two teachers in the room. My coteacher has been at this game for 20+ years, so she's got the no-nonsense bit down pat. This particular day, she was shuffling across the classroom to go deal with a boy who was making weird noises and trying to get his classmates' attention.

Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, we are taking a test, it needs to be quiet in here! *walks directly behind the child*
Boy: *fart noise* *shocked face* Mrs. (teacher)!!!

The whole class erupted in giggles. I followed suit. Because, seriously....it was funny. But then the kids noticed I was laughing, and that just made them laugh harder. Oh well.

Selected answers:

I am most successful at math when...

• we are doing shapes
• it is taught the right way
  

• we are doing anything but shapes
• something is confusing
  

• I'm hyper when not sick
• I love math. My dad makes sure of it.
• When I look like I'm not paying attention to you, I am listening. Unless I'm reading a book.
• Sometimes I zone out. Sorry in advance.
• I like to eat cookie dough and I am in love with Justin Bieber.
• I have a phobia of the color orange
  

We were playing "Life with the Wright Family" in homeroom this week. (Story here. Students stand in a circle with a pencil in their hand. Every time I say "Right" they move it to the right. Left, they move it to the left. Goofy and fun)

Me: The Wright family now bundled up the children, Tommy Wright, Susan Wright, Timmy Wright, and Shelly Wright--
Student: DAMN, these guys are poppin' out babies like rabbits! Stop reproducing!!!!

Student: Can you do this problem for me?
Me: Nope, sorry--but I can help you understand it.
Student: But why don't you just do it for me?
Me: Because I won't be there for the rest of your life to solve your problems for you.
Student: But you could be!
Me: You'd have to pay me a lot of money to make me quit my job to be your personal mathematician.
Student: Not that much money. Teachers hardly make anything.

Student: Are you from England? Because you look really English.

I'm not really sure what that means, to be honest...