Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: Is there a way to type an exclamation point on the calculator?
Me: Why?
Student: Oh, no reason.

Found after class:

Me: Why haven't you started your review sheet?
Student #2: He's having girl problems.
Me: Oh, a girl made you cry?
Student #1: Wha? No way!
Me: Ohhhhh...you made a girl cry.
Student #1: NO, she took my sweater and now she won't give it back.
Me: She wants to smell like you.
Student #2: She wants to smell native!
Me/Student #1: Huh?!
Student #2: You know, like how those native people roll around in mud and cover themselves up so the animals can't smell them?  She wants to be like that, only instead of mud she's covering herself in [student #1] smell.

Student #1: Hey Ms. S, did you know that last year [student #2] was in ESOL (english language learners classes) and he stole a sharpie and wrote on my shoe "Hello" but he spelled it H-E-L-L-O-W?
Student #2: HEY!  Oh yeah, I did spell it like that.  WAIT, SINCE WHEN IS IT ILLEGAL TO BE WEIRD?

Our end of the year tests are (ironically) called "SOL's".  Second only to our pacing guide, the Program of Studies (POS)...

Student: Why are they called "SOL's"?
Me: (biting my tongue) It's an acronym.  It stands for "Standards of Learning".
Student: That's stupid.
Me: Why is that?
Student: This country is the United States OF America, but we don't call it the USOA!  Doesn't Virginia know anything?
Me: Touche.

Annual "Finance Park" field trip today, where students are handed a life card giving them a family, income, etc. and they have to come up with a budget and pay their bills.  Lots of light bulb moments today...

Student 1: Time to pay bills.  Oh my god, can you believe this is what our parents do every day?
Student 2: I know, I feel so bad for them!  If I was an adult, I'd kill myself.


Boy with $40k annual salary: Ugh, I just can't make my budget balance.  It's 'cause my kid is so expensive.  I'm going to put him up for adoption to a rich single guy like him *points to his neighbor* because he's going on like 10 vacations and I can't go on any.


Boy:  Wait, doesn't my wife make money too?
Volunteer: For the purposes of the simulation, your income is your family's only income.
Boy: What is this crap!?  I didn't sign up for a slacker wife!

Student is turned around backwards during their midterm.

Me: Hey, you.
Student: Is that Asian?
Me: No, it's like "hi".
Student: In what language?

Even after I wrote it down, it took the Chinese student assuring him it was not, in fact, Chinese for him to believe that it was English.

Me: Okay, so because the high school counselors are coming today, we had to cancel our quiz.  It is now a take home quiz.
Student: So we can cheat!?!?
Me: Excuse me?
Student: You know, use your notes?
Me: You may use your notes, not your neighbor.  I am requiring you to turn in scratch paper signed by your parent so if I get to papers with the same mistakes in them, I will know there is a problem.
Student #2: So we should just make sure to put different mistakes on our paper so you can't tell.
Me: You don't see a problem with intentionally putting mistakes on your quiz?
Student #2: Should we?

Student #1: Mrs. S, where are you from again?  Oh yeah, CALI!
Student #2: That was dumb of you, Ms S.  Why'd you leave?
Student #3: Did you grow stuff in Cali?
Me: Sure...oranges and palm trees.
Student #1: Did you grow green stuff in Cali?
Me: I had an apple tree in my backyard.
Student #2: Was it a sour apple tree?
Me: Uhh...
Student #1: Did you sell your sour apples?
Me: I think that's enough--
Student #3: We're moving to Cali.
Me: Oh yeah?  When?
Student #1: I don't know, soon.
Me: Tomorrow?  Tomorrow would be good.
Student #2: Nah, we wouldn't do that to you.  You'd miss us...wouldn't you miss us?
Me: .........

"OMG, it's snowing!"
3 minutes later:
"OMG, it's sunny!"
3 minutes later:
"OMG, it's dark outside!"
3 minutes later:
"OMG, it's snowing again!"
3 minutes later:
"OMG, it's sunny again!"

Student: I think God put Virginia on a game spinner, and whatever weather it lands on is what we get.  There is no other explanation for today.

Student #1: Can I go get water?
Student #2: The correct saying is, "May I get water, please?"
Student #1: Oh come on, no one has said "may I" since the 1800's.