Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student 1: Dude, Ms. S, you should totally get some "Grape 5's".
Student 2: Yeah, you'd look so baller in them.
Student 3: They'd totally match this--*points to my purple cardigan*
Me: Are those shoes?
Student 1: Yeah, you should get them.
Student 2: Your husband would think you were so fine.
Student 3: He'd be like, "Oooooooh, Mrs. S, looking good today!"
Me: Yeah, 'cause that's how he talks to me.
Student 3: Okay fine.  "Oooh, K, looking good today!"
Student 2: You can't talk like that in school, it's unappropriate.
Student 3: What, she started it!
Me: I'm not buying $100 shoes.
Student 1: That's okay, they're one eighty.
Student 2: If you come home wearing them, then your husband will probably have to get some too just to keep up with your style, and then he can start selling them to make money.
Me: I like that he has a real job making real money.
Student 3: Are you saying that the money we get from selling shoes isn't real?
Me: I'm not buying myself those shoes.
Student 2: Will you buy me some instead?
Me: Get back to work.

"You know that Bruno Mars is really a woman?  That's why he sings that song "When I was your man."  Because he's not one anymore."

Student: You know how you said we only had to do 7 problems for homework?  I did NINE!
Me: Wow, good for you, you're such an over achiever!
Student: I'm an oral achiever?
Me: No, an OVER achiever.
Student: *stands up, waves arms over her head* I'm an oral achiever, I'm an oral achiever!
Co-teacher: *anxiously making slashing motions at his throat*

Student: Ms. S, have you ever been to a punk concert?
Me: Actually, yeah.
Student: Wait, what?
Me: Yeah, I used to go to them all the time.
Student:  Ahahahaha, yeah right, Ms. S.
Me: I used to be the one that would crowd surf over people.
Student: Wait, seriously?  What bands did you go to?
Me: Well, my favorite was Blink 182.  I went to Yellowcard, Green Day, Jimmy Eat World...
Student: Did you ever go see anyone that was actually, you know, FAMOUS?!
Me: Uh, all those bands were pretty successful and had radio play.
Student: But did you ever see (random rap artist) or (other random rap artist)?
Me: No.
Student: Wait, what is punk?

We were multiplying binomials using area models, so I was trying to compare it to science class...

Me: Remember Punnet squares?
Students: *blank stares*
Me: You know, "big B, little b"?
Student: *blank stares*
Me: The way you find out if the baby is probably going to have blue eyes or brown eyes?
Student: What about green eyes?  Is that when you mix blue and brown?
(note to self--talk to art teacher)
Me: No, green eyes are just another color.  I have green eyes.
Student: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU RELATED TO THE HULK?

A girl came back from spring break with a completely shaved head.  It was quite a striking change--she used to have long blonde hair.

Student: Hey Mrs. S--look!  *points at head*
Me: Wow!  That's a bold move!
Student: Yeah, well, I have just always had long hair and I wanted something different.
Me: You're quite brave--I'm impressed.  Didn't Natalie Portman do that?
Student: Well actually, it was a black barber.