Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: *sing-songy* Ms. S...I have the form...for the club!
Me: Oh yeah? Did you decide what the club is going to be for?
Student: Oh yes. KARAOKE CLUB!
Me: *busts out laughing* You know I don't sing, right?
Student: Oh there's so much more to Karaoke Club than singing! There's dancing (not break dancing), and poetry, and music, and so. much. more!

My Mondays will never be the same again...

Student: What was your name before you were married?
Me: [maiden name]
Student: Can I call you [maiden name]?
Me: Please don't, that hasn't been my name for almost 4 years.
Student: You've been married 4 years? And you don't have any kids yet? What's wrong with you? Do you even want kids?
Me: Not really, no.
Student: Wow, Ms. S--not cool. You are so not cool anymore.
Me: I didn't know I ever was cool.
Student: Uh, I don't know if you realize, but you just dissed yourself. Hard. *pauses* Seriously Ms. S, aren't you concerned about repopulating the earth?

Student: *beckons*
Me: What's up?
Student: I'm going to start a club!
Me: Oh yeah? What's it about?
Student: I don't know yet.
Me: That's okay, you'll figure it out.
Student: And you're going to be the sponsor!

Back story: Thursday night, my dog got out of the yard (surprise) and I spent the evening trying to track her back down. I finally found her, having cornered a squirrel halfway up a tree. Sadly, she had managed to injure the poor critter, and it's shoulder/arm was seriously mauled, to the point where it couldn't climb anymore. I was traumatized, and shared the story with my first period the next day.

Student: Hey, I have a riddle! What has 1 foot on one end, one foot on the other end, and a third foot in the middle?
Me: I don't know, what?
Student: A yard stick!
Student #2: Or the squirrel from last night.

Touche.

Student: Ohmygod, it's Jersey Shore day!
Me: I can't believe you watch that.
Student: What? It's just real life.
Me: Uhh, I don't know what kind of life you're living, but that's not real life.
Student: Well yeah, not for a 13 year old...but for their age it is.
Me: I got news for you. I'm their age, and that's not real life.
Student: Well sure, not for you! You're a teacher, your life is boring!
Me: You realize they're like, 30, right?
Student: Yeah, Mike is ooooooold. He's like, 45!
Me: I really can't believe your parents let you watch that.
Student: Eh, my mom's kind of bipolar about it. One day she'll be like, "You should stop watching that," and then the next day she'll ask, "So, what happened on Jersey Shore last night?"

I dragged my husband to the middle school musical over the weekend, so a bunch of my kiddos met him. Thus sparked immense interest in my marriage. Also in the middle of math discussion...

Student: Ms. S, your husband is attractive.
Me: Oookay, moving on.
Student #2: [student 1], do you mean he has nice cheek bones?
Student #3: What's your husband's name?
Me: Let's get back to math.
Student #3: Is it Harry? Because when I think of Harry, I think of a fat old man with lots of hair.
Student #4: That's strange--I think of Harry Potter.

In the middle of discussing inequalities...

Student: Ms. S, I have something really important to tell you.
Me: Okay, what is it?
Student: No, I'll tell you later.
Me: Well, if it's important, let's discuss it now.
Student: Well, it's not really math related.
Me: Okay, later then.
*30 seconds later*
Student: OhmygodIcan'twaitanylonger! Forever21 is closing at the mall!!!