Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: When are you going to bring in your husband, Ms. S?
Me: I dunno, he's scared to come in.
Student: What!? Why is he scared of us?
Me: Well, 150 8th graders is pretty intimidating.
Student: But isn't he in the military?
Me: No, he designs computer systems for the military.
Student: Wait--so he works with the toughest people in the whole world, and he's afraid of a bunch of kids!? No offense, your husband is crazy.

We were watching Slope Dude for the zillionth time today, and I must have made a face...

Student: You really hate this video, don't you, Ms. S?
Me: Yeah. (Side note: I don't--I love it, because the kids actually remember the difference between 0 slope and undefined slope, but they like things better when I say they're dumb)
Student: What if you went home tonight and found out...YOUR HUSBAND was the guy who made that video?
Me: Uh--
Student 2: You'd divorce him!
Student 3: You'd run away with someone else!
Student 4: Nah, Ms. S isn't like that.

Student: Can you please tell me when the heck we're ever going to use this?
Me: Sure. Suppose you have a job where--
Student: Ugh, no, not a job example. I'm not going to have a job. That's lame.

Solving a word problem...

Me: So the refund amount varies directly to the number of cans you recycle.
Student: What do you mean?
Me: You know, like when you turn in a can, you get a few cents back. I don't know if they do it in Virginia. I know in California they did.
Student 2: You're from California?
Me: Yeah, but back to math...
Student 2: I KNEW you looked like a Cali girl.
Student 3: Nuh-uh, she's way too pale.

We were solving problems on mini white boards yesterday, then holding them up so I could evaluate right away. We'd been doing it for a good 20 minutes straight, so I wanted to give them a break.

Me: Okay, brain break. Draw the item that is on top of your wishlist for Santa right now--try to see if your partner can guess what it is.
Student board: "DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER"

Student: ...and then my mom picked out this card to give to her boyfriend that said "go ape sheet" on it. Get it?! It's so funny! She picked it out for me to sign and give to him.
Me: Your mom picked out a card for you to give to your boyfriend?
Student: What!? That's SO weird Mrs. S. It was for HER boyfriend, duh.

Student: F*** that, piece of s*** (etc, etc)
Me: EXCUSE ME?
Student: Oh, it's okay Ms. S--it's just song lyrics.
Me: I don't care what it is, it's not appropriate language.
Student: Oh no, my mom says I can cuss as long as it's just song lyrics.
Me: I don't care what your mom says. You are not in your mother's house. You're in my classroom. That language is not appropriate for my classroom.
Student: Ugh, not like you don't cuss all the time.
Me: I don't.
Student: You don't? Awww, Ms. S, you're so cute! How old are you? Like, 20? Maybe when I'm 20 I won't cuss anymore either. That's a good goal.

Student: Are you Asian?
Me: Do I look Asian?
Student: No, not really.
Me: Correct. I'm not Asian.
Student: So why did you suddenly decide to become a math teacher?
Me: Are you saying only Asians are allowed to become math teachers?
Student: Well no...but to be a good math teacher, yes.
Me: So you're calling me a bad math teacher?
Student: Well no...maybe mediocre. But you're getting better.

Student: I wish I had invisible clothes so I could sneak around and no one would see me.
Me: You need Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.
Student: Yeah, but that sucked because if you put your arm out, they could see your arm. I need an invisibility snuggy.

Student: How long have you been teaching?
Me: *raised eyebrows* Is that really relevant?
Student: Is this your first year?
Me: Are you just now figuring that out?
Student: Wait, like your first year EVER?
Me: And you're just now figuring that out?
Student: Wow, I thought you had experience somewhere else.
Student 2: Yeah, like in college.
Student 3: Or at Hogwarts.
Student: I was going to say NoVA, but Hogwarts is good too.

We were taking a quiz on "clickers" (the little remote things) that display each student's name when they buzz in. The kids like it, I like it (data's readily available), all is well. Mostly.

Student 1: *solves problem and answers*
Student 2: HEY! That's not fair! [Student 1] is faster than me, and I'm not even trying--I'm just randomly guessing!

(This is actually passport boy's, come to think of it. Guess he didn't feel like graphing the author's dog)

During silent reading time, a kid got real excited about the "recipe" he found in his book. He read it out loud to me...

Student: "2 handles...4 large 'hellos' (oh Spanish accent...)...brownies..."
Me: Uh, I'll take that, thank you.

I wish I could say I confiscated this, but he handed it right to me and said he needed to leave class on important business.
"Rico Swavay"
"Pasport"
"Sex: Unknown"
"Age: 3,000,000,000" (hey, he got the commas in the right spot)
"Hobby: Collecting candy"

Student: I like your shirt, where did you get it?
Me: Uh, The Limited I think.
Student: I like the flowers.
Me: Thanks, I'm a sucker for anything with flowers or bows.
(blonde) Student: You are SO white, Mrs. S.

Student: Can you do my homework for me?
Me: No, sorry.
Student: Maybe THIS *pulls out a quarter* will change your mind?
Me: Hrm...no thanks.
Student: I hate expensive women.

Student 1: Were you a straight A student, Mrs. S?
Student 2: Don't answer that! You know you have to lie! It's like, in your contract!
Me: What do you mean?
Student 2: You know, you have to tell us you were a perfect student to like, motivate us. Kind of like when you tell me I "could be doing better". We all know it's a lie, but you have to say it anyway. It's your job.