Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Me: Okay, so we're going to study elimination today. *Go over basic method*
Student: Whoa, that's easy.
Me: Not so fast, there are a few monkey wrenches coming.
Student: How many monkey wrenches?
Me: 3
Student: Do they get harder as we go?
Me: Yeah, they generally do.
Student: So it's not just 3 monkeys, it's more like, "Spider monkey", "Orangutan", and "King Kong"?

Student: What?! Where's our warm up?
Me: We don't have time for one today, we have too much to cover.
Student: *smirks* It's county policy to have a warm up, where's your warm up?
Me: No it's not, please get out your work.
Student: But it's in your contract! You could get fiiiiiiiired!
Me: Well, it's in your contract to do your homework, but you don't seem to do that either. What would you like to do about it?

Boy: Ms. S, [boy #2] isn't here today!!!!
Me: Oh no, poor baby. Are you going to cry about it?
Boy: Yeah. But in the shower. So no one can hear my tears.

"Ohmygod you guys, do you know what my mom did to me? She bought JEGGINGS. And then she told me she was going to wear them to SCHOOL to pick me up. Ohmygod, if she does that, I will never show my face in school again. In fact, I'll get a nose job."

Student: That field trip was stupid!
Me: Aww, poor baby. They didn't let you have a wife?
Student: Nah, I had a wife! I had a good life! 25, married, and no kids!
Me: Hey, just like me.
Student: Except I made waaaay more money than you do!

We went on a field trip today to some facility where kids could practice their budgeting skills. They were each handed a "life situation" card, detailing their salary, marital status, and number of children.

Boy: Oh my God, I'm 25 and I'm married?
Girl: Oh my God, I'm 29 and I'm not married?

Student: I wish you had married your high school boyfriend.
Me: What? Why?
Student: Because then I could have your husband! ZING! He's cute!