Tales from a Middle School Jungle

Student: Wow Ms. S, you're really good at rolling your eyes. You've got the timing down just right.

Kid: Oh, this is the weird version of "The Grinch", where Susie is a mermaid.

It's a multiple choice test. 1 point per answer.

Student #1: Look what I got--19 out of 20.
Me: Rock star! *high 5*
Student #2: Hey, where's my high 5?
Me: You're not done yet. Beat him.
Student: I will. I'll get NINETEEN AND A HALF.

Yeah, okay. You do that.

The health classes are studying dating right now. All the kids had a paper on it where they had to answer questions about what they thought appropriate dating looked like. I managed to read a couple over their shoulders.

"What type of qualities should a prospective boyfriend or girlfriend have?"
-About my age
-My parents don't want to kill him
-Not gay

"What are some appropriate types of dates to go on?"
-Picnic
-Movies
-Restaurant

"What are some inappropriate types of dates to go on?
-McDonalds
-My house
-Crash someone else's date

Student: Guess where I'm going for break?
Me: Hawaii.
Student: No! To your house!

Me: Okay, what's your goal?
Student: Are we solving for sex? Ohmygodican'tbelieveijustsaidthat.
Me: *pretending to not hear* No, we're isolating "y".
Student: Sorry Mrs. S, I just came from health class.

Student: Ewww, I don't order chicken sandwiches anymore. Last time I did, there was a thermostat in mine.
Student #2: Uhh...thermostat is that thing on the wall.
Student #1: Oh--well, whatever the word for "temperature taking thing that gets stuck in food" is.

A handful of students all suddenly show up in my room to eat lunch (which they aren't supposed to do, they're supposed to stay in the cafeteria).

Me: Uh, is there a party in here that I didn't know about?
Student: It's a surprise party! SURPRISE!

Student (walking in from lunch): Ms. S, women are crazy. No offense.
Me: Uh-oh, what happened?
Student: It's a looooong story. I don't think we have time to get into it.

Student: Ms. S, what do you do in your free time?
Student #2: Grade papers, duh.

Student: I'm glad you have that Charlie Brown tree on your desk.
Me: Oh good--it cheers me up too.
Student: No, I mean, I was going to buy it when I saw the box at the store last week, but now that I see it in person it looks really cheap, so I'm glad I saved my money.

Student: What are the colors for Connecticut University?
Me: For U Conn? Uh, baby blue I think.
Student: What?! Yukon is in Connecticut?! I thought it was in Alaska!
Student #2: Oh good, I'm going to go to Connecticut University, I look good in baby blue.

Student 1: Uhh, Connecticut's not a state!
Student 2: Yes it is, it's the smallest state in the country!

Me: Can someone explain the big bang theory?
Girl: Oh, me! You know, how after World War II, when the soldiers came home and they started having tons of babies?
Me: Umm, that's the baby boom.

Me: Where is your family from, [student]?
Student: Northern Iraq.
Student #2: But you don't smell bad!
Student: That's because I'm half European too.

Student 1: I want to get my nose pierced.
Student 2: I want to get my cartilage pierced!
Student 3: I want to get my tooth pierced!...Wait, is that even possible? Okay, the space BETWEEN my teeth then!

???

("Island" is a solitary desk, not grouped with others like most desks are)

Me: [student], do you need to go sit at the island over there?
Student: YEAH! I want to go sit at Alcatraz! You can call me Al Capone!
Me: Uh, no. Pretty sure Al Capone escaped from Alcatraz. I don't want you escaping from that island.
Student: Okay, call it Guantanamo Bay!

Friend was observing today...

Student: Is that your husband?
Me: No.
Student: Is that your boyfriend?
Student #2: You can't have a boyfriend if you're married, that's illegal!
Student: Well not for SOME women!

Student: If you hold your thumb in front of your face, is it always bigger than the moon?
Me: Sure, because it's closer to your eyes.
Student: I learned that from Dear John.
Me: Oh, by Nicholas Sparks?
Student: Who?
Me: The author.
Student: No, it's a movie.
Me: But it was a book first--I'll bring it in for you, if you liked the movie you'll really like the book.
Student: I don't read. Reading's not really a "thing" for my generation.
Me: You just haven't found the right books yet--I think you'd like this one.
Student: Nahhh. Pretty sure the only way I'd read is if you made it illegal. Then I might want to.

We finished early yesterday, and had time to kill, so we played "2 truths and a lie" Some sample truths/lies below. Can you pick out the lie?

I ate 4 bags of chips yesterday.
I ate 2 bags in civics class.
I don't like civics class.

I want to be a photographer.
I rode a tiger, camel, and elephant (whole class: "What's a tigercamelandelephant?")
I am not a people person (says my queen bee who would run the class if I let her)

I am afraid of cats.
I can't whistle.
I once lived with 24 people at one time.
(At this point the whole class started shouting that #3 must be true because the girl was Mexican, and that's "how Mexicans roll")

Student: Do you want to have kids?
Me: No, not really.
Student: Whoa...I'm going to have kids before you do!
Student 2 (male): Oh yeah? Well I'm going to have kids before both of you! I'm going to be on 16 and pregnant! (afterthought) As the father!

Student: Are you married?
Me: Yup.
Student: So what's your real name?

Student: Whoa...are you a magician on the side? How do you do these problems so fast?

Student: Aww, how sad. Look at Mrs. S's pathetic tree.
Me: It's the Charlie Brown tree.
Student 2: But it only has 1 ornament.
Student 3: And there's no presents!
Student 1: Don't worry Ms. S, we'll fix it for you.



(My "presents" include my mouse, an origami box, and a paper crane. I have a star made out of a post it note, and my ornament was wrapped up in tissues and hidden in the pencil bucket. The tape dispenser was decorated and attached to the tree)

The best part is it's just like the Charlie Brown movie--which I'm pretty sure none of them have ever seen :)

Student: Mrs. S, what do you want for Christmas?
Me: I was a nice, well behaved [student's first name] in my class who does his homework.
Student: Okay, I'll go ask the counselor to see if [other child with the same first name] can transfer into your class. I'm not sure I could handle that responsibility.

Student: Ugh, we're taking a test today?
Me: Yup.
Student: Can I go out in the hallway now?
Me: No.
Student: Why not? You're just going to kick me out in a few minutes for being obnoxious anyway. I'll save you the trouble.

Me: [student 1], go outside. Enough disrupting the class.
*student 1 picks up his stuff and trudges outside to finish his test*
Student 2: Ooooooooh...the walk of shame!